A Sincere Insult!
Dear Facebook friend,
I
had forgotten your existence and hardly spared you a thought but now when you display
your life on my Facebook wall, I should tell you that you are the rightful
owner of the Biggest Moron Award. I am not candid enough to tell this on your
face but I hope you will get my sincere insult (do not blame yourself if you don’t,
some people still have chimpanzee’s brain due to evolution’s fault). Though we
have virtually known each other for years, I should tell you that my area of
interest is finding faults and you will learn it now:
1. Stop sending Candy Crush requests: I
know you do not do this by intent but games like Candy Crush thrive on the dumbness
of your likes. They can use your account to spread such requests and I hate to learn
that you just mowed a farm and Mr. Dick, Tom and Harry settled in neighborhood .
I doubt I am surrounded by idiots and your actions reinforce my ideas.
2. Spend a penny, stop sharing
philanthropic hoax: Let me tell you once and for all, Facebook never, let me
repeat, Facebook never ever donates a penny when you share that picture of kid
which an ailing heart. It is time to grow up; being in my friend list proves
that you might have an iota of intellect. If you do not trust me, trust Google
God and check before sharing any hoax. Start donating a penny from your pocket
when you get that philanthropic pang, did anyone ever tell you that there is no
free lunch.
3. Pictures of God may not bring fortune: I
know that you share a special bond with God (he ensured that you exist in my
friend list) but please stop sharing that picture of God with a threat. Fortune
is not related to Facebook likes so have the courage to ignore something that originated
from your friend with similar IQ. Leave God in peace, try posting a selfie
instead.
4. Please bring that Miraculous Snake to home:
I know we live in the land of blessed and that snake with seven heads is
actually Seshnag. I also accept that you never doubt its existence but I have
been dying to see it live, bring it home and I would give it the respect it
deserves; just spare my Facebook wall. I have seen this picture a zillion times
before; guess what, you got competition in claiming that Moron reward.
5. Ms. Unknown Entity, I hope you have a
name: Dear friend, I know your parents (at least) loved you and they named you
once. I never noticed when rechristened yourself ***Real Double Rebel***. Though
I respect your privacy but use your original name and STOP using the picture of
Deepika Padukone on your profile. It is an unfair world and I have you instead
of Deepika on my friend list. (Pardon my ignorance of Facebook friends, is that
really you Deepika? Check your inbox for meeting tonight)
6. Leave your Keyboard, embrace real
Revolution: I know that revolution is not far and people around you are too
engaged with their mundane lives. But take some rest and prepare for the
impending rebellion. Also please continue your intellectual duels about
politics and religion on private platforms and spare others. Be gentle to your
keyboard and others who are forced to see your posts. Stop being an armchair Facebook
revolutionary, join politics instead.
7. You are not that cool, dear selfie
addict: I have seen you in real life and
so have many others; you don’t look that great. Stop posting those pouting
selfies; they look to be a childish attempt to appear cool. Gone are the days
when people found mates through such antics. I know you love yourself but you
need a mirror and not my Facebook wall; leave others in peace, your profile
picture updates may be the reason of rising depression and nightmares.
8. There is something called diary, dear
itinerary updater: I know that you ate yesterday’s dinner at the Taj, I also
learnt about the menu (saw that picture of leftover chicken bones on your
plate). Now I do not desire to know the route for your morning jog. Respect democracy;
do not take disproportionate space on my wall.
9. Something might exist inside your skull,
use it before hitting that Facebook like: I know flattery is the biggest virtue
but give some exercise to you brain before clicking that like (You got it wrong
in childhood, you teacher was talking about conservation of energy, not brain).
Last time when someone posted his dad has passed away; you were the only one to
hit like button.
10. I am still trying to figure out who you
are: Dear uncle, I remember that we met in last wedding and you commented how
much I have grown (I am ecstatic after knowing that). Out of respect and family
obligations, I accepted your friend request but please stop commenting on all
pics. I already know that those are ‘nice pics’ and I have grown up a lot but
be more imaginative next time.
11. I
am enough envious now, stop sharing your accomplishments: I never doubted your
professional competence and I am sure no one ever did. I also know that your
organization exists only because of your efforts but don’t you think Facebook
is too small to contain the list of your unending achievements. We are enough
envious for this life, please do not torment us incompetent souls.
12. It is time to give attention to the real
people around: Didn't you give birth to a daughter today (yes, saw her thirty
nine pictures that you uploaded). Social media thrives on angel spirited people
like you and it is your divine duty to forward but can’t sharing Genius of AB
De Villiers may wait for some time. Isn't it time to log off Facebook and give
attention to the real people around (You may discover next to you, a bawling
newborn).
13. Never before such a happy couple was
born: I have seen pictures from your first date and have read those silly poems
(they were really silly, in literal sense). I also saw those auto created
videos that Facebook designed for stupid people in love. Indeed you never
forget wishing birthdays to each other, display gifts and cards and finalize
the menu for the day on my wall. It is not cute to share your lovey-dovey
conversation all the time. For once but try some communication in real life; it
might not be that bad.
Yes
my life sucks and I have always been a jerk but wait for some time before removing
me from your friend list. Pretend that you are not the person I was talking
about. Keep people guessing that you are a fool rather than taking offence and
clear all doubts.
With Love,
An
inconspicuous Facebook friend
