1 Article You Must Read Before Turning 120

               

                 “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces” said Will Rogers; you realise this man knew you well. Of course woods are lovely, dark and deep and you always rated sleep above everything else. You take a vow to succeed this time and not rest till you have checked all the boxes.   

         You ask Google what makes a person successful and it immediately presents Thirty books that you should read before you turn Thirty. You start checking the titles and you have read twenty nine. The moment you pick up the thirtieth book to become accomplished in life, your wife reminds you are nearing forty.  Deflating balloons has been this woman’s hobby. 

         She shows you another article about 12 mesmerising tourist places that you must visit before you die. You read the article attentively and discuss places but chuckle inside; why would a person try to complete this list and what would they wait for when they have visited all these paces. 

         By now, you have spent enough time on the Google and the Artificial Intelligence  jumps in joy shouting it knows what this man is looking in life. It bombards you with similar recommendations. You are told about 100 Movies that you should watch in your lifetime, you are asked to see 7 Motivational speeches and also 11 ways to remember names of people (why me Lord/AI?). 

         It puts neighbourhood aunts to shame in broadcasting secrets and in an instant Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn starts yelling numbers at you. Twitter tells you about 12 habits that will increase your wealth twelve times (did they discover my bank balance too?) and Facebook tells 6 healthy diets for a healthy life ( Wifey I know this is you). When you open LinkedIn is tells you about 21 Ways to succeed in life. 

         You challenge AI to surprise you but it is hardly intelligent if not stupid. It keeps relishing in repetitive data that it generates.  You tell about the fallacy of number systems and the undue importance it is giving to the decimal system. You tell in today’s age one deals in binaries of 1 and 0. You ask AI to check the system in which it computes and also refer to the title of this article. 

         Next day you start getting emails from numerologists about your lucky number and how they will help you in not sleeping in the woods. You blame the AI for tracking your number system study. You also give up your efforts to find success on Google.

 

 

Being Human

I always believed I was human. I guess people around me concurred with that or in case they didn’t, no one ever mentioned it in my life. So, I was happy being human and probably relished at that till one day I opened Google on my laptop and it said I needed to prove that I was not a Robot.

I had a lump in my throat and surge of emotions inside. A part of me said since I was too efficient, google was confusing me with a robot. Another part felt a machine was asking me to prove I was not a machine myself. After a decade of failed programming efforts, my wife would have vouched I was anything but a robot but I guess google also knew she underestimated me hence did not ask.

I thought for a long time on this question of principle and then concluded I should do what I did best on most occasions, that is swallowing pride. I acquiesced to the google CAPTCHA challenge. To my further embarrassment, I later had to google to learn CAPTCHA meant ‘Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.’

I took a deep breath, prayed to my guardian angel and braced myself for the test. The test presented multiple square boxes and asked to tick ones with traffic signals. I revisited my Driving licence test in mind and then realised it is best avoided to mention how I got my Driving licence.

The boxes presented by Google had signals written in Chinese language and now I had real doubts about the intentions of google. I kept ticking boxes and it kept replacing them with news ones fast. Language was not the only doubt. What about the box having pole of the traffic signal?

Probably I was as good as a robot or not as bad a human, it gave up on me and now said I should tick boxes with cars. I diligently kept on checking boxes but google google was for sure biased. It gave Vans and now I was confused if Van was also a car.

For a moment I felt like breaking the laptop but gave up the idea on imagining my better half in the aftermath. I felt if google was man enough, it should ask me in person if I was human. Google would have thanked its stars that day at not being a man.

After a long time, and multiple failed attempts, existential questions started coming to my mind. I now had doubts if I was indeed a human. The ghost of Ghalib presented itself and said he had written this sher for this day:

बस-कि दुश्वार है हर काम का आसाँ होना,
आदमी को भी मयस्सर नहीं इंसाँ होना

The irony is as soon as I got doubts about being human, google sensed my confusion and immediately declared that since I was so unsure, I could only be human. I felt like celebrating for days to come.

Next day google said it would take my Math test to declare me a human. I was better at Math than I was at Traffic signals but google missed the basic premise that only humans were supposed to make computing errors, not computers, so technically wasn't I was more human when I gave wrong answers.

But then, who has ever in this world appreciated a feedback. I took the only option available, swallowed pride and acquiesced!

Because Commitment means Everything!

You were always committed to whatever you did. You also believed that first step to be serious in anything was committing yourself financially, so that you automatically give your best into it.

When you decided to learn Lawn Tennis, you were so serious that you coughed up three months’ salary to buy best racket. Though you gave up the game after three days and decided to first build up stamina instead, (and though you dread to mention it in front of your better half) you are till date committed to the idea of learning Lawn Tennis.

So, after taking Guitar lessons on a not so good borrowed instrument, you realised main reason for your less than satisfactory progress was lack of serious engagement. You had your eureka moment when you realised westerners played Guitar well due to the quality of their set. You immediately knew you had to buy an imported equipment.

After doing online survey half the night and then accepting Grammy award in the remaining half while sleeping, you were fully prepared to own up new set. Online Samaritans had warned about salesmen tricking people into buying unnecessary accessories and you chuckled at being too smart to be fooled by such things.

You entered the famed Kolkata showroom of this famous brand and realised it was somewhat smaller than in your dreams. It ended almost as soon as it began, but then you realised the proprietor was a Bengali and hence, the simplicity. You were happy that you will not be billed extra for externalities.

If you ever have been to a Marwari or Sindhi shop, you will realise how they scream customers are God and then show you entire stuff of their showroom. You end up buying unnecessary items but Bengalis are egalitarian and they may even refuse to sell you something they deem you are not fit to use.

You thanked your stars for finding this economical showroom but wondered how four salesmen were stuffed into such a small space. You know any professional help you needed was now just next to you. You took your time observing various Guitar sets and took mental note of it. After thirty minutes when you had minutely observed everything, you realised any salesman was yet to express an iota of interest in you.

The one at the cash counter was seriously playing solitaire on his computer. By the look on his face you realised he was defending some international championship. Two others were debating American imperialism and hateful policies of Donald Trump. You were amazed by their knowledge and could not help but appreciate the overall awareness.

You decided to intrude into the space of fourth salesman who was aimlessly loitering in the showroom. You encircled him like a bee and gathered courage to ask him for Guitar sets. He wasn’t exactly pleased yet asked what you exactly wanted. You mentioned a price cap and he took out a Guitar and handed it to you. Buying anything was never so simple.

You wondered if you should ask for opening the wrapper but he was now busy talking on his mobile. You played the polythene above guitar strings for complete fifteen minutes and displayed you were no novice. As soon as he ended the call, you pointed towards another Guitar set gesturing him to take it out. In a fraction of a second, myriads of expressions crossed his face all of which screamed you had betrayed him. He curtly said that Guitar was expensive.

You now felt offended and wanted to tell him your credit card limit. You also wanted to say your spectacles though thick and unattractive were Ray Ban and you were wearing Calvin Klein Shirt and Levis jeans. Before you could react, he suddenly left the shop screaming to the guy on computer that it was lunch time.

The only thing that mattered in this world now was salvaging your pride. You told the guy at counter in stern voice that you wanted to buy the same Guitar that the salesman had termed as expensive. There was an authority in your voice and you never felt more confident in life. The guy at the counter nodded politely as if he had at last understood your worth. Your back was erect and your neck was so straight that you examined the ceiling.

You waited and waited and waited and then realised Bengal was the first province to get bureaucracy in the British times. Billing was some serious business and something that they deeply respected. All three salesmen combined their strength and settled on the model number after verifying hundreds of documents. They were also extremely cautious in writing the bill and you could not help but appreciate their neat handwriting.

All three of them bowed gently when you left and started discussing strengths and weaknesses of Irish Football team. You sort of liked them now. You confidently carried the imported Guitar with a swag and were now committed to it for your whole life.

You quietly tear the bill before entering the house lest your better half one day discovers it.

Disclaimer: इस कहानी के सभी पात्र और घटनाएं काल्पनिक हैं. इसका उद्देश्य किसी भी व्यक्ति, धर्म, समुदाय अथवा जाति को ठेस पहुँचाना नहीं है. बावजूद इसके, किसी भी real or imagined असुविधा के लिए खेद है. 

How (not) to Learn Swimming in Three Days Straight!

You dreamt about being Jack of all trades but you are already in mid-thirties and bereft of any skill in life. Being good in studies was your alibi for quite some time and now you have a strong urge to learn something but you happen to be shy; you also happen to be District Magistrate of the place where you reside. 

You think about exotic hobbies like scuba diving, or something refined like learning Urdu but then you notice your ascending waistline. You zero on Swimming and casually mention it to someone in the town. He tells you how he totally approves it, where one can begin and why swimming is important for one’s overall well-being in life. He tells all those he meets why you have made the right choice. You feel happy inside and promise yourself that once you are done with swimming, you will continue to learn new skills in life.

Next day a group of professional swimmers come for a friendly chat. They explain how joining them may be better and there is logic in their argument. Same day three other groups come and demonstrate their teaching abilities. You choose a pool which belongs to the government and by virtue of being District Magistrate, you also happen to be the President of its Swimming Society.

As you reach the pool, members of managing committee along with their family members (and some distant cousins/neighbours) are there to make you comfortable. They warmly take you inside and as you come out from the changing room in your swimming tracks, you feel their piercing eyes scanning your not so perfectly chiselled body. You are suddenly conscious of the long hairs emanating from various corners of your body and rush to get inside the pool.

The coach is extremely warm and tells you how simple it is to learn this art and shows you simple water exercises. You imitate them fast and he profusely praises your spontaneity. He prophesises you will learn swimming in three days straight. You dream about your sculpted body after days of swimming and toy with the idea of an Olympic gold but for the moment, keep it on hold.  

Next day you are chief guest in a public program and are suddenly woken up from your slumber by generous praise that speaker has unleashed about your swimming capabilities. He repeats the prophecy that you will perfect swimming in three days straight and now you can feel the weight of expectations of entire town. You sheepishly smile and wonder if anyone is still left to learn about your new endeavour in life.

Being diligent learner, you reach the swimming pool again on time and again a horde is there to welcome you inside. You enter the pool and find the coach smiling warmly. He today ups the swimming lessons and you find them difficult. You also realise that breathing water is not something that lungs like and your eyes complain that water of the pool has chlorine inside. Your performance today was not that you dreamt but you still have a day to master this art.

Next day, there is pain in muscles you never knew existed in your body. You still go to the swimming pool and the coach is there to teach some new tricks but you find them completely impossible. You feel that only thing that loves you in this world is gravity of swimming pool calling you inside. In your naivete, you share this thought with the coach who tasks you with touching the swimming pool floor with your hands. You try and try and try and fail at that. The coach murmurs words of motivation and ask you to continue but you have missed the three-day target.

You take a break for couple of days and decide to compromise Olympic dreams. You internalise that you enter the water to rejoice and learning to swim is incidental. You are back with full enthusiasm and the coach smiles at you but you feel he has chuckled. You behave with him like estranged couple and ignore him rest of the time. You keep punishing water by your slaps and you also try to slap it by your feet but gravity still wants you inside.

You go to the pool off and on but avoid looking coach in the eye. You find others who tell what you have been doing wrong and they make perfect sense every time. You discuss with them politics, climate change and career choice of their niece and rejoice. Soon you have discovered 10001 ways in which one cannot swim and feel like writing a book about that.  

Winter comes to your rescue and the pool shuts down. You blame it for not being able to learn this new trade but now you confident that your actual interest was in Badminton. You still wonder if you should mention it to someone in your town. Meanwhile members of the Swimming pool management committee (and other swimming clubs) visit you every alternate day and remind that pool would reopen next month.

Of Being Important and being the Main Man!

You always wanted to be an important man. You prayed to God and as luck would have it, God agreed to that. Ok, almost did that!

So here you were, in a profession where you became the locally available, affordable, approachable and still reasonably acceptable Chief Guest for various occasions. You were invited as Chief Guest in local book festivals, you were called to preside over at cultural events and then you were cutting ribbons at Puja pandals.

The people who invite you are humble, respectful and they make your life miserable to ensure there is Chief Guest at their event. They forward Good morning messages along with hoaxes on whatsapp, send Facebook requests and ask when they meet next why you were yet to accept that and call thrice a day to verify that you haven’t yet changed your mind. You get nightmares of being K..K..K..K Kiran from movie Darr being stalked by Shahrukh Khan.

You want the event to get over quickly and commit the mistake of reaching on time. Even organisers are surprised/disappointed to see that. They have been wrongfully denied the opportunity to call you couple of more times.

You are given a warm welcome by showering flowers as it befits a worthy Chief Guest. Slowly the soft flowers give way to Marigold petals and showering get converted to throwing them with force on your poor self. Some kids relish at hitting bulls eye and soon there is a barrage of hitting petals on your eyes, neck and your head. You feel the pointed petals sticking on your sweating self and finding way to strange corners of your body and you rush towards the dais to save yourself.

There you realise that the organisers did not trust you all this time. There is a horde of back up Chief Guests occupying the dais. The number of people on your side exceed those sitting in front as spectators and you feel like volunteering to sit in front but hold on. You also wonder how round table inaugurations would be perfectly workable in such scenarios and would also save the cost of a dais.  

You want this ordeal to end but there is one co-chief guest yet to arrive and you wait on and on and curse yourself for arriving on time.  You make small talk with person sitting next and share their concern about weather, politics and academic future of their child. You stretch your cheeks to portray how privileged you are to sit on this side of the dais.

To the relief of all, program finally begins and the announcer starts by eulogising about their organisation, its history and importance of this event. You now know that in the history of mankind, there never was or will be an event more important. Then the announcer turns her attention on your kind self. You discover virtues you never had and learn about your accomplishments in life. If you happen to share your name with a person who topped IAS exactly fifteen years back (Anurag Srivastava, IAS, 1992), you always got credited for that. You feel like you are betraying them as Chief Guest.

You are dying to finish this fast and rush along with others to light the auspicious lamp to ceremonially inaugurate the event. They have put a nicely decorated beautiful lamp stand but nobody thought they may need a matchstick to light that. A kind soul discreetly brings out a cigarette lighter but the lamp has a mind of its own and takes its time to comply. It is followed by a cultural performance which is not bad but you stare at the back of the performer as she was facing the crowd.

The speeches begin and go on and on and since you are the chief guest, you get the privilege to speak at last. In the meantime, you have thought about this article’s draft, checked your social media messages myriads of time and you also found yourself napping a couple of times. Suddenly your name is announced and you rush towards the podium. As you hold the mike, you have forgotten the name of this event but you vaguely remember what it is all about. Also, you were haunted by their calls but now you do not recall name of any organiser. You mumble few words about how great this event was, how great were its organisers and basically how great all of us are. You thank them for considering you worthy of this job but you only see yawning faces in front, as bored as you are.

The organisers still diligently clap when you end. You want to run away but they are profusely thankful that you could make it to the event and hold you on for a cup of tea. There you are made to swallow a plate full of desserts (read calories) and you promise to yourself that you will not commit this mistake ever again in your life.

Next day you commit yourself to another event.

PS: This is an exaggerated version of all what actually goes around. The writer, who incidentally is a District Magistrate, is profusely thankful to all the organisers who ever thought him to be worthy of being Chief Guest at their event :) 

The True Call

Not many people find their true calling in life. Few lucky ones know this from beginning itself, some pick it up as they move along in life but most bid farewell to this world without ever realising their true call. As years passed, I felt I belonged to the last category of men who never discover true joy in life.

The bane of being born in middle class is one has to find assurance of true meal before venturing in any kind of true call. Once I managed on that count, I tried to look for purpose in life but can true calling be thrust upon? There was no meaning in life and just when I was about to lose interest in this world, I found why I was gifted to mankind.

While browsing one day, I saw an online poll on a news website that asked:

Do you think, it is time for India to attack Pakistan?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Can’t Say

I was thrilled and got goose bumps reading that. My wife doesn’t even ask if it was time to make me eat Bottle Gourd for nth time and here I was being asked to decide a question as important as that. If given a task of my choice, there is no other person who can do it with more seriousness. Not only that, I also ensure it has my unique mark.

I guessed hot headed morons would be voting for Yes so that out. Then I thought about the ‘No’ but dreaded losing my Nationalist certificate and imagined likes of Arnab Goswami screaming #PeaceDove and #Coward. After mulling a long time, I voted Can’t Say and was satisfied. I also realised my answer matched with what Government was doing at this time.

I give more than 100% so I continued to caste this vote from different devices and browsers. After a night’s hard work, results looked like Yes 12%, No 5%, and Can’t Say out shined them by 83%. For some strange reason, results were soon deleted from their website.

I never looked back after that. Life was full of possibilities and I scouted for online questions. I had a role in destiny of mankind. There were masquerades trying to pass off their views as online questions but I was honest to my call. These biased channels thought that there can be only one answer when they ask:

Is there no option but to reopen corruption cases of the earlier regime?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Can’t say

I can take a joke on myself but I cannot let anyone play with democratic ideals. This was a leading question and Yes and No led to the same conclusion. To outwit them I had no choice but to vote for third option n number of times. Again ‘Can’t Say’ led by big margin and news channel would have thought many times before posing again a similar question.

After my crusade, ‘Can’t Say’ option started feeling much more confident. Is it not true that we don’t know about most things in life? My influence knew no bounds and I learnt this when they slowly did away with Can’t Say option. Their next one was:

Do you believe corrupt should be punished this time?
a. Yes
b. No

They would have thought that there can only be one answer but I answered no this time. My humble point is guilty should be punished every time and not only this time. I wanted to vote for question is wrong but that was not an option.

I slept peacefully but results changed by the time I woke up in morning. That day I learnt voting in online polls was true calling of thousand others who could not find a better work in life. I also discovered world is jealous of those who discover their true call. Many websites blocked my IP address to prevent me from voting further. These are tough times but as of now proxy browsers are doing the job.

I also feel that since world would have witnessed changes of unimaginable proportions after hearing my opinion on so many counts, it is time to look for a new calling!

Eleven ways to Express Love: Indian Style

When men were moving in wilderness in other places, we had a thriving civilisation in place. Ours was and is a land of glory and riches, and that of being perfect in almost everything. We do not need to copy anyone and we do not need Valentine’s day, Father’s Day or Friendship Day etc to express love. We have other unique ways to express it:

• 1.    Choosing career for the kids: We believe that once a child, always a child. Choice of career is very important in anyone’s life and such a decision cannot be left to the kids. Interest, liking and such other things are too western a concept to find any utility. We always worry about our children hence we do not give them the trouble of deciding careers and most other things.
• 2.     Fixing marriages:  Parents love their children and so do relatives. When such is the case, can they not lend support in fixing marriages. Spouse plays the most important role in anyone’s life and entire family has to vet it. For a perfect match factors like caste, horoscope and dowry have to be favourable and such a complicated issue cannot be left to the kids.  Love can always wait, and union of any male and female can make babies which is the primary objective of any marriage.
• 3.     Girls have a special place:  We love our girls so much that we bestow on them the name and fame of our family. In fact, they are our bet whenever there is ‘honour test’ of any family. Most of our girls conform and in some erring cases there are honour killings but for honour purposes strictly. No men can have this privilege of defining honour of the family and have you ever heard a man being killed for saving honour of the family.
• 4.     Romance in Desi style: This is a concept we deeply feel about and Bollywood movies have amply demonstrated it. The person who we love may not know it for a long time. Stalking/ abuse is just a technique to dig out love hidden deep within. One may give threats of suicide, bleed or occasionally throw acid, but it is just to express love and sincerity.
• 5.     Love for Partner/Spouse: In case one already has a spouse/partner, being possessive is the love test put to use. do. We love them so much that we almost feel they are our own, as good as our own property. Emotional blackmail is a legitimate form of love disguised as a blackmail.
• 6.     Propagate superstitions: There is deep knowledge which is propagated in closed groups of society. Those westernised may call it superstition but it is our intellectual property and we ensure that all those we love know about it. We know Horoscope can find solution for all problems, cats are bad omen and evil eye is root cause of illness. You can also get rid of Manglik dosh by marrying tree as a famous actress did. Everything doesn’t need a scientific basis and you question love while questioning it.  
• 7.     Internalising Prejudices: These are collective heritage of our families, caste and society. We pass it on to all those we love and impart them good training in prejudices. As in case of other things, questioning these is questioning our love and our collective heritage.
• 8.     Our Great Nation will always be Great: Our nation is perfect and has always been so. There are many scientific advances that world is making now but our sages of old times had done it in old ages. You can read in in our religious texts, or easily google them through internet. We have contribution in everything good that happened to humanity. We are so liberal that we welcomed all with open arms and we are so tolerant that our blood boils when anyone disagrees. We break their bones to prove our point.
• 9.  Respect for culture, language and our religion: We have deep respect and love for our culture, language and our religion. In fact, anything associated with us is only worth glorifying.  We often express our love by getting outraged at books/social media post or statements made by XYZ in Honululu. We are emotional people and show our respect by burning books, blocking movies and sometimes through maiming/lynching.
• 10.  Forwarding General Gyan/WhatsApp Messages: This is a new trend observed in extended families. We want all those we love to be empowered and knowledgeable so we express our love by forwarding messages. Love cannot be guarded and since we love wholeheartedly, there is absolutely no need to check or verify messages before forwarding. We also express our love by forwarding hate messages.
• 11.  Making people Eat: If we want to express our love, we make people eat. Satisfaction of guests is measured by consumption of fats and calories and true love is reflected on the surface tension of their tummies. Eating is so dear to us that we ensure all our countrymen are eating righteously. At times, we do sample checks in the form of mob vigilantes and verify what others are eating. In case, they aren’t on the right side, we express our love differently.  

PS: Just in case one is sarcastically challenged, this is satire. I DO NOT endorse any of these 

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators

I wanted to learn Guitar for a long time. I gawked those who could play Guitar and also sing along and envied them all my life. I thought about it for a long time, debated merits of acoustic versus electric guitar and searched for music teachers in and around my house. I discussed it with family and friends and also wrote about it at times. After spending a considerable me-time and thinking about that, I realized my actual interest lied in painting instead. Had I not procrastinated for a while I would have wasted time, energy and most importantly hard-earned money of my life.

These days I am trying to analyse why I would like to paint and know about the nuances of this art. If and only if it passes my procrastination test, I would take the plunge, something that would be beneficial both for me and Painting.

Procrastination has often been misunderstood in this world but I can hardly find any habit having benefits more than that. As a gratitude to this old-time friend, I want to like to talk about the virtues of this pal:

1. You become a better planner if you Procrastinate: Suppose you need to write a big report and you have seven days for that. Suppose you also have to buy a present for your friend’s birthday party and get your dog vaccinated during the same time. You spend quarter to seven days thinking about that. Now you only have six hours on a Sunday eve and you realize you friend understands you well and never expected a gift from you in his life. Your dog is also understanding and won’t complain to your better half. In fact, it forgave you when you missed it last couple of times. You fully focus on the report instead and in two hours you have something that would bail you out. You have accomplished in two hours what others would have wasted seven days on.

2. You effectively utilize your time: If you effectively procrastinate, you are never in a hurry all your life. You always have a lot of me time and you are not sure what you should do with your time. The dilemma is that you respect your time and the task must be worthy of your time. You can use your time to play, sing or to the envy of all you can spend your time in worthiest activity of all time, dozing off.

3. Your brain becomes sharp and attentive: Remember a time when you had an entire year to study for the exam. You tried so many times but you could never understand that complex calculus integration. You felt you are too dumb to understand that but thought one day you will sit for hours and finish that. You procrastinated and never found perfect environment and time. When your roommate explains it for fifteen minutes on the morning before exam, you have never known it better than that. Half hour before the exam was most productive time of your life. You remember each and every step to the extent where he smiled and where he smirked explaining that. You suddenly discover fondness for your sharp mind.

4. You can do so many things in this world: Those who do not procrastinate are always busy in this world. They are bogged down with work, impending assignments or are running to finish some task. You will find them saying they would love to so something but do not have time. A procrastinator will never say that and end up doing so many activities others can only dream of. One can procrastinate in different ways and in modern world, social media is of so much help. You can peep into personal/professional life of everyone else. If you are the hot head types, you can troll others you do not like and improve your self-worth in your eyes. You can also form mutual admiration societies and post selfies/pouts.

5. You do things which only you can do and no one else: You have a lot of respect for yourself and cannot do anything just like that. Suppose you are doing a project work with two other project partners and submission time is nearby. Everyone knows everyone else and there is a stiff competition for the biggest procrastinator award. The game for who has stronger procrastinating nerve has already begun and just before the submission time, someone chickens out and does whole work. You use your time in saving the country and participate in trolling/selfie fest instead.

6. You avoid stress disorders: Doctors have been screaming form rooftops that most of the diseases in this world are related to stress. One cannot name a disease which is not caused or made worse due to stress. A person who procrastinates never panics and is always jolly and relaxed. They know best how to handle pressure in their lives. In fact, an effective procrastinator increases the stress levels of those who try to give her/him stress. You are content in life and end up living a healthy, fulfilling and long life.

7. You believe in Karma philosophy and graciously accept all outcomes: Procrastinators believe in the philosophy that do your duty and leave rest on God. They work when they have to and sleep rest of the time. They are also not attached with result. Suppose, a person who has always been working hard fails, they cannot even explain to themselves how it happened and do not know how to accept that. A procrastinator even when the result is not conducive, knows the reason for that. She/he knows how to turn the tables next time. For others who have worked hard all their life, there remains no scope for improvement. A Procrastinator is always in control of life. You also truly internalize the 80-20 principle and practice doing 80% of the work in 20% time. You are not greedy to waste all your life for remaining twenty percent.

Now you know the advantages of Procrastination and if you are not convinced even now, I will give you a recent example. In the beginning of this article I thought about painting but now I realize my calling may lie in writing instead.

Let me give it some real procrastinating thought for now!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Finally, some answers to the eternal question that has raked mankind for centuries.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

   1.  Because in these times of political turmoil, it wanted to be on the ‘right’ side.

   2.  Where were you when hordes of cows, buffaloes and goats were crossing the road? You didn’t ask it then, you cannot now.

   3.     It never crossed the road. Our Chicken is sanskari and always remains where it is. This is a canard being spread by western ideologues, liberals, extremists and the enemy within. The chicken shit spread in a particular pattern has betrayed leads of foreign funding.

   4.     Because it felt safe post meat ban in UP. This has been achieved in just a month due to new government and soon chicken would be crossing frontiers and seas.  

   5.     Because it was playing Tic, Tac, Toe! And you thought cross has just one meaning.

   6.     Because it wanted to run away from its nagging parents who only forced it to study all the time for Medical and Engineering.

   7.     Because it was told grass was greener on the other side. 

   8.     Because it wanted to create a stir and become prime-time debate topic on Arnab’s ‘Republic’.

   9.     It ‘Just Did it.’

  10.  Because there was a meeting of animals protesting the special status given to cows. All of them wanted Unique Identity Numbers like that being meted out to cows and also an ambulance service.

  11.  Because it hated idle people and it knew they would kill their hours trying to decode it.

  12.  Because being on the right side was mandatory for all to be a nationalist.

  13.  Because a whatsapp hoax had declared that crossing the road will make United Nations declare our National Anthem best in the world. It would also make them declare your country, religion, caste and your own self being the best.

  14.  Because a message on facebook told that each time it crossed the road, Facebook/Baba Ramdev/President of Honululu will give 2 cents for the treatment of that cute cancer suffering kid.

  15.  There are soldiers dying at the border and you are reading this. Think about those because of whom you are sitting in AC, cooler, fan (or even without electricity). Think about them next time whenever you get the urge to know anything.

Elixir's Quest

When Mr Sharma was a child, his teacher taught him about anatomy of cells. He was amazed to learn how cells grew and multiplied, and then transformed into various organs to form living beings.  He also learnt that day cells needed repair and maintenance, and they did so when we slept or took rest. Since that day if there was anything in this world Mr Sharma respected, that was cells; he also never compromised his sleep or gave up on an opportunity to take rest. There was only one thing equally important than repair of cells; quest for elixir on this earth, pure milk.

In good old days, people could find pure milk anywhere. Rivers of pure milk and milk products flowed in ancient India and you could directly drink from that. People never felt sick and lived for hundreds of years. In fact some people survived only on milk and milk products and they were strongest of them all. No Vitamins were needed to recharge their vitality and there were no antibiotics. People were also extremely virile and vast population on this date is living testimony to that. The sole reason for this healthy state of affairs was freely available pure milk.

If you still have any doubts about this elixir, remember Lord Krishna who lifted mountain on fingertips and killed gigantic demons even when he was just a child. The only reason for Krishna’s energy was his love for milk products. Lord’s story is less a religious text and more an endorsement of powers of pure milk. In case you are of atheist or agnostic variety and not yet impressed, think about Lord Krishna’s popularity in the fairer sex.

It was Mr Sharma’s misfortune that he lived in a city and only source of milk was colony’s Doodhwala who brought milk on his cycle in large aluminum cans. Mr Sharma examined that milk for long, sniffed and tasted it at times before grudgingly accepting the inferior quality. His inner voice told him something was seriously wrong; his kids sulked while gulping just a glass, curd or lassi did not taste the same and his cells came in dreams one day and said they were unable to effectively do repair works.

The watershed came when there was a news item of urea traces being found in milk. Mr Sharma did not wish to wait till his milkman learnt that trick and immediately surveyed entire town. Five kilometers from his house, a person had bought a cow and after fervent convincing, he agreed to sell milk at twice the market price. Daily Mr Sharma would get up well before dawn, walk for an hour and half and witness that surreal process of milk flowing from the udders of bovine.

Slowly the effects of pure milk could be felt on all.  His kids became taller and smart. Everyone in the family got fairer skin which was fairer than any fairness lotion could ever provide. All minor irritants like constipation and acidity bid them goodbye and even his neighbor (who often smelt boiling milk in the surroundings) reported his diabetes was in control.  

Nothing lasts forever and one day when Mr Sharma reached the milking spot fifteen minutes before dawn, he witnessed unthinkable in front of his eyes. The person who charged him double the amount for pure milk was giving an injection to the holy cow. All this time, they were drinking hormone/chemical induced milk.

 This time he decided to take things in his own hands and travelled hundreds of kilometers to purchase a bovine from a cattle fair. On his journey back, he managed veterinary inspectors with suitable bribe, survived ‘Gorakshaks’ who (only at times) took people’s life and brought this white bovine into his house. He tried to convince his kids that since they always wanted a pet in house, he has got them a lovely bovine. They were not convinced but his wife worshipped the holy cow.

That day, his entire neighborhood got divided into believers and those who were not. They were split along the lines of those who knew about the magical/spiritual powers of holy cow and those who never aspired milk that was purer than Amul, Mother dairy and their likes. A preaching session was daily organized around the revered bovine about the miraculous healing, medicinal powers of pure milk and virtues of cow dung and its urine were also described.

 The queue of followers continued to increase but there was also an equal number who complained about the smell of cow dung and its ill effects on the housing society. They even objected to mooing of cow at night and threatened approaching Sonu Nigam for help. Mr Sharma tried to argue about the elevated status of Holy Cow and efforts of the government to provide it Unique Identity Numbers akin to mankind. They were not convinced hence to break the deadlock, voting was organized. Believers won this election by a narrow margin with the blessings of holy cow and joy of Mr Sharma was seen flowing through his eyes.

Jealousy of men knows no bounds and Mr Sharma understood the meaning of men being sore losers that day. Someone complained to the Municipal inspector who gave notice to Mr Sharma to remove the revered bovine. Mr Sharma was told it is time to move on and he had no alternative left. He just gets bouts of anxiety and constipation coupled with nightmares about cells missing out on urgent repairs.

In case you know a place where pure milk is available in the town, please help Mr Sharma out!