Sunday, May 08, 2011

Hello Again!

I hope you remember me. I am the one who told you that world is a strange place. I am seven months old now and I still maintain it.

The first thing that disturbs me is that no one understands even simple things here. When I tell them that I am hungry, my mom tries to make me sleep; when I yell to change a toy, my father checks my diapers and when I scream to get the television channel changed my parents turn it off. The people here are too dumb to learn my language and I even do not see any effort on their part. I have decided that I will have to pick up theirs.

Dear lord had also told me that when I go into this world, my parents would always be at my beck and call. They were supposed to cater me all the time and they did that for few initial months but now their sincerity is gone. Whenever I am sleeping or am busy with a toy, they try to give me a slip. Since they understand nothing but my wails, I have to resort to it to call them back.

I should also tell you that people here are too scared to try new tastes. My parents give me only milk, banana and few other things. Even when I ask, they refuse to offer their palm, mobile and beautiful shining poly bags. With their little assistance I could have explored zillion other tastes but still I have managed to taste bed sheets, books and some other things I would not like to name. Someone please tell these grownups that their life is so tasteless.

Also no one here cares about the environment. Even I know that plastics are bad for this world but they keep me surrounded by it. I have one on which they make my bed, another one for my pram and a large third which is below the entire bed sheet. I tried to reason with them that I do not like its sound; neither its taste but then they handed me a rattle instead. God save me from these morons!

I should also tell you that in this strange world, I have found a real friend. He has been with me from the time I was born. He was present in the hospital when I came, he was in my Grandmother’s place and now when I have come to my new home in Kolkata, he is here too. He quietly lives on the roof and listens to everything that I have to say. In the beginning we could not connect but as summer approached, on seeing me his three wings have started rotating with joy.

You remember last time we met; my parents had not given me a name. I feared that as lazy they were, they could have numbered me instead. Once I even overheard my father formulating hypotheses that since all good names were exhausted, people were soon going to number their kids. He wanted to reserve number ‘One’ for me as no one had taken it but the idea did not appeal my mom.

After intense efforts they finally managed to name me Aariv, meaning the king of wisdom.

Since you are my friend, I will share with you a secret. From the time I came into this world, I have been checking out people. Everybody was good but a beautiful lady stood completely out. She took great care of me and remained with me all the time. She has partially managed to understand what I say and now I want her to be with me all the time. As she might feel jealous, I have stopped going out with other people when she is around. I think I have fallen in love with her.

Oh yes, I forgot to wish her, Happy Mother’s day mom.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011


The world is a strange place. It has been four months since I came here and I can tell you with confidence, this world is nuts!

The day I came into this world, my family decided to convene their long due gathering. The entire family tree including its offshoot branches and long drawn acquaintances chose hospital as their venue. They celebrated by eating some round stuff packed in colorful boxes and even gave it to the nurses and ward boys but no one bothered to offer me one. What they could offer me was oversize clothes, some of which I have not been able to wear till date.

It was my first day in the world but they behaved as they were seeing a small kid for the first time. Their interest in me was more than a five year old's in a Giraffe at the zoo. They made funny faces and funnier noises and many times when my mother was not on guard, they even pinched my cheeks. Grow up guys!

To tell you about my mother, she is a good lady. Well almost!

She treats me well but I hate her when she puts those oily creams and lotions on me. I know she is impressed with that baby in Johnson and Johnson’s advertisement but Hello, trying all their stuff on me will not make me him!

I normally trust her but she has tricked me into drinking those tasteless liquids that doctor prescribed. Of course I am wiser now and have perfected the art of blowing it on her face.

My father believes in Nehruvian foreign policy of peaceful co existence and non interference in one’s affairs. I feel he is scared to show this to my mom so he daily plays with me for an hour. I think I do not mind it.

It is true that my parents spend time entertaining me but most of their effort is directed to make me asleep. They try their horrible lullabies on me in their croaking voices and I have no option but to fall asleep. Also is there any respect in this world for the sleep of four month old. It is understandable that they do not turn off the lights but watching TV aloud while I am trying to sleep is beyond comprehensible manners.

I should also say that it is difficult to live in this world under this intense attention. Whenever I try something new or utter any novel sound, my parents present themselves with a camera. I think I am too small to be in the Bigg Boss house and it really puts me off. Till now I have never allowed them capture my best shot.

They also try to make me piss while sounding that silly sssss….. It is awkward to hang in that strange position with air chilling your interiors. I have to yield to get over that embarrassing position, but do I have some human rights. Mom, Dad, I am fully entitled to wet my pants.

There are multiple other ways to irritate me and one is that whenever I am in a mood to laugh or talk, my mother dials my grandparents. It turns chaotic with so many people talking so I withdraw from that chat show. Mom can’t we have any serious talk without involving anybody else.

The pressure to perform in this world is unnerving and these people do not even spare a four month old!

Otherwise my parents are somewhat ok and I have no grudge against them but they have not named me yet. Isn’t it preposterous that a four month old does not have a name; worse not even a nick name? I have noted it down and will take account of it in future.

For the present, I make maximum of opportunity available at night by keeping them awake.