Because Commitment means Everything!

You were always committed to whatever you did. You also believed that first step to be serious in anything was committing yourself financially, so that you automatically give your best into it.

When you decided to learn Lawn Tennis, you were so serious that you coughed up three months’ salary to buy best racket. Though you gave up the game after three days and decided to first build up stamina instead, (and though you dread to mention it in front of your better half) you are till date committed to the idea of learning Lawn Tennis.

So, after taking Guitar lessons on a not so good borrowed instrument, you realised main reason for your less than satisfactory progress was lack of serious engagement. You had your eureka moment when you realised westerners played Guitar well due to the quality of their set. You immediately knew you had to buy an imported equipment.

After doing online survey half the night and then accepting Grammy award in the remaining half while sleeping, you were fully prepared to own up new set. Online Samaritans had warned about salesmen tricking people into buying unnecessary accessories and you chuckled at being too smart to be fooled by such things.

You entered the famed Kolkata showroom of this famous brand and realised it was somewhat smaller than in your dreams. It ended almost as soon as it began, but then you realised the proprietor was a Bengali and hence, the simplicity. You were happy that you will not be billed extra for externalities.

If you ever have been to a Marwari or Sindhi shop, you will realise how they scream customers are God and then show you entire stuff of their showroom. You end up buying unnecessary items but Bengalis are egalitarian and they may even refuse to sell you something they deem you are not fit to use.

You thanked your stars for finding this economical showroom but wondered how four salesmen were stuffed into such a small space. You know any professional help you needed was now just next to you. You took your time observing various Guitar sets and took mental note of it. After thirty minutes when you had minutely observed everything, you realised any salesman was yet to express an iota of interest in you.

The one at the cash counter was seriously playing solitaire on his computer. By the look on his face you realised he was defending some international championship. Two others were debating American imperialism and hateful policies of Donald Trump. You were amazed by their knowledge and could not help but appreciate the overall awareness.

You decided to intrude into the space of fourth salesman who was aimlessly loitering in the showroom. You encircled him like a bee and gathered courage to ask him for Guitar sets. He wasn’t exactly pleased yet asked what you exactly wanted. You mentioned a price cap and he took out a Guitar and handed it to you. Buying anything was never so simple.

You wondered if you should ask for opening the wrapper but he was now busy talking on his mobile. You played the polythene above guitar strings for complete fifteen minutes and displayed you were no novice. As soon as he ended the call, you pointed towards another Guitar set gesturing him to take it out. In a fraction of a second, myriads of expressions crossed his face all of which screamed you had betrayed him. He curtly said that Guitar was expensive.

You now felt offended and wanted to tell him your credit card limit. You also wanted to say your spectacles though thick and unattractive were Ray Ban and you were wearing Calvin Klein Shirt and Levis jeans. Before you could react, he suddenly left the shop screaming to the guy on computer that it was lunch time.

The only thing that mattered in this world now was salvaging your pride. You told the guy at counter in stern voice that you wanted to buy the same Guitar that the salesman had termed as expensive. There was an authority in your voice and you never felt more confident in life. The guy at the counter nodded politely as if he had at last understood your worth. Your back was erect and your neck was so straight that you examined the ceiling.

You waited and waited and waited and then realised Bengal was the first province to get bureaucracy in the British times. Billing was some serious business and something that they deeply respected. All three salesmen combined their strength and settled on the model number after verifying hundreds of documents. They were also extremely cautious in writing the bill and you could not help but appreciate their neat handwriting.

All three of them bowed gently when you left and started discussing strengths and weaknesses of Irish Football team. You sort of liked them now. You confidently carried the imported Guitar with a swag and were now committed to it for your whole life.

You quietly tear the bill before entering the house lest your better half one day discovers it.

Disclaimer: इस कहानी के सभी पात्र और घटनाएं काल्पनिक हैं. इसका उद्देश्य किसी भी व्यक्ति, धर्म, समुदाय अथवा जाति को ठेस पहुँचाना नहीं है. बावजूद इसके, किसी भी real or imagined असुविधा के लिए खेद है. 

How (not) to Learn Swimming in Three Days Straight!

You dreamt about being Jack of all trades but you are already in mid-thirties and bereft of any skill in life. Being good in studies was your alibi for quite some time and now you have a strong urge to learn something but you happen to be shy; you also happen to be District Magistrate of the place where you reside. 

You think about exotic hobbies like scuba diving, or something refined like learning Urdu but then you notice your ascending waistline. You zero on Swimming and casually mention it to someone in the town. He tells you how he totally approves it, where one can begin and why swimming is important for one’s overall well-being in life. He tells all those he meets why you have made the right choice. You feel happy inside and promise yourself that once you are done with swimming, you will continue to learn new skills in life.

Next day a group of professional swimmers come for a friendly chat. They explain how joining them may be better and there is logic in their argument. Same day three other groups come and demonstrate their teaching abilities. You choose a pool which belongs to the government and by virtue of being District Magistrate, you also happen to be the President of its Swimming Society.

As you reach the pool, members of managing committee along with their family members (and some distant cousins/neighbours) are there to make you comfortable. They warmly take you inside and as you come out from the changing room in your swimming tracks, you feel their piercing eyes scanning your not so perfectly chiselled body. You are suddenly conscious of the long hairs emanating from various corners of your body and rush to get inside the pool.

The coach is extremely warm and tells you how simple it is to learn this art and shows you simple water exercises. You imitate them fast and he profusely praises your spontaneity. He prophesises you will learn swimming in three days straight. You dream about your sculpted body after days of swimming and toy with the idea of an Olympic gold but for the moment, keep it on hold.  

Next day you are chief guest in a public program and are suddenly woken up from your slumber by generous praise that speaker has unleashed about your swimming capabilities. He repeats the prophecy that you will perfect swimming in three days straight and now you can feel the weight of expectations of entire town. You sheepishly smile and wonder if anyone is still left to learn about your new endeavour in life.

Being diligent learner, you reach the swimming pool again on time and again a horde is there to welcome you inside. You enter the pool and find the coach smiling warmly. He today ups the swimming lessons and you find them difficult. You also realise that breathing water is not something that lungs like and your eyes complain that water of the pool has chlorine inside. Your performance today was not that you dreamt but you still have a day to master this art.

Next day, there is pain in muscles you never knew existed in your body. You still go to the swimming pool and the coach is there to teach some new tricks but you find them completely impossible. You feel that only thing that loves you in this world is gravity of swimming pool calling you inside. In your naivete, you share this thought with the coach who tasks you with touching the swimming pool floor with your hands. You try and try and try and fail at that. The coach murmurs words of motivation and ask you to continue but you have missed the three-day target.

You take a break for couple of days and decide to compromise Olympic dreams. You internalise that you enter the water to rejoice and learning to swim is incidental. You are back with full enthusiasm and the coach smiles at you but you feel he has chuckled. You behave with him like estranged couple and ignore him rest of the time. You keep punishing water by your slaps and you also try to slap it by your feet but gravity still wants you inside.

You go to the pool off and on but avoid looking coach in the eye. You find others who tell what you have been doing wrong and they make perfect sense every time. You discuss with them politics, climate change and career choice of their niece and rejoice. Soon you have discovered 10001 ways in which one cannot swim and feel like writing a book about that.  

Winter comes to your rescue and the pool shuts down. You blame it for not being able to learn this new trade but now you confident that your actual interest was in Badminton. You still wonder if you should mention it to someone in your town. Meanwhile members of the Swimming pool management committee (and other swimming clubs) visit you every alternate day and remind that pool would reopen next month.

Eleven ways to Express Love: Indian Style

When men were moving in wilderness in other places, we had a thriving civilisation in place. Ours was and is a land of glory and riches, and that of being perfect in almost everything. We do not need to copy anyone and we do not need Valentine’s day, Father’s Day or Friendship Day etc to express love. We have other unique ways to express it:

• 1.    Choosing career for the kids: We believe that once a child, always a child. Choice of career is very important in anyone’s life and such a decision cannot be left to the kids. Interest, liking and such other things are too western a concept to find any utility. We always worry about our children hence we do not give them the trouble of deciding careers and most other things.
• 2.     Fixing marriages:  Parents love their children and so do relatives. When such is the case, can they not lend support in fixing marriages. Spouse plays the most important role in anyone’s life and entire family has to vet it. For a perfect match factors like caste, horoscope and dowry have to be favourable and such a complicated issue cannot be left to the kids.  Love can always wait, and union of any male and female can make babies which is the primary objective of any marriage.
• 3.     Girls have a special place:  We love our girls so much that we bestow on them the name and fame of our family. In fact, they are our bet whenever there is ‘honour test’ of any family. Most of our girls conform and in some erring cases there are honour killings but for honour purposes strictly. No men can have this privilege of defining honour of the family and have you ever heard a man being killed for saving honour of the family.
• 4.     Romance in Desi style: This is a concept we deeply feel about and Bollywood movies have amply demonstrated it. The person who we love may not know it for a long time. Stalking/ abuse is just a technique to dig out love hidden deep within. One may give threats of suicide, bleed or occasionally throw acid, but it is just to express love and sincerity.
• 5.     Love for Partner/Spouse: In case one already has a spouse/partner, being possessive is the love test put to use. do. We love them so much that we almost feel they are our own, as good as our own property. Emotional blackmail is a legitimate form of love disguised as a blackmail.
• 6.     Propagate superstitions: There is deep knowledge which is propagated in closed groups of society. Those westernised may call it superstition but it is our intellectual property and we ensure that all those we love know about it. We know Horoscope can find solution for all problems, cats are bad omen and evil eye is root cause of illness. You can also get rid of Manglik dosh by marrying tree as a famous actress did. Everything doesn’t need a scientific basis and you question love while questioning it.  
• 7.     Internalising Prejudices: These are collective heritage of our families, caste and society. We pass it on to all those we love and impart them good training in prejudices. As in case of other things, questioning these is questioning our love and our collective heritage.
• 8.     Our Great Nation will always be Great: Our nation is perfect and has always been so. There are many scientific advances that world is making now but our sages of old times had done it in old ages. You can read in in our religious texts, or easily google them through internet. We have contribution in everything good that happened to humanity. We are so liberal that we welcomed all with open arms and we are so tolerant that our blood boils when anyone disagrees. We break their bones to prove our point.
• 9.  Respect for culture, language and our religion: We have deep respect and love for our culture, language and our religion. In fact, anything associated with us is only worth glorifying.  We often express our love by getting outraged at books/social media post or statements made by XYZ in Honululu. We are emotional people and show our respect by burning books, blocking movies and sometimes through maiming/lynching.
• 10.  Forwarding General Gyan/WhatsApp Messages: This is a new trend observed in extended families. We want all those we love to be empowered and knowledgeable so we express our love by forwarding messages. Love cannot be guarded and since we love wholeheartedly, there is absolutely no need to check or verify messages before forwarding. We also express our love by forwarding hate messages.
• 11.  Making people Eat: If we want to express our love, we make people eat. Satisfaction of guests is measured by consumption of fats and calories and true love is reflected on the surface tension of their tummies. Eating is so dear to us that we ensure all our countrymen are eating righteously. At times, we do sample checks in the form of mob vigilantes and verify what others are eating. In case, they aren’t on the right side, we express our love differently.  

PS: Just in case one is sarcastically challenged, this is satire. I DO NOT endorse any of these