In Defence of The Great Indian Chamcha!

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("An entry to the The Great Indian Blogging Contest, as a part of the Apeejay Kolkata Literary Festival 2015.” )

You laughed at me through Times of India’s columns and I bore it with grace. You made fun of me at Stand Up comedies and I did not utter a thing. But today, when you try to mock me through a blogging contest, it is time to show you the truth. Let me state it loud and clear and let it be known once and for all, I am better than all of you.

If Charles Darwin was alive today, he would label me a perfect example of adaptability. I can align myself with my master at ease. I can love Proust or Chetan Bhagat, Ghalib or Yo Yo Honey Singh and Game of Thrones or Saas Bahu tele-soaps in the same breath. I can tear them into pieces too. Do you know I even have an extra organ? Yes, Mother Nature favored me and gave a hidden tail. I wag it whenever my master wishes and my adulation are perfectly communicated. I have special spine too; it does not have any bone. I can bend backwards and crawl at master’s will.

When I was small, my teacher decided to explain investments. She preached investing on education & skill and blabbered about honor, virtue. I told her how good she was and became her pet from that day; no one ever managed better marks than me. Nothing was more remunerative than investing on powerful people. They told a man was known by his company and I was never seen with failed people. I followed successful men and moved on when there was a better alternative.

One day I woke up early, brushed my teeth and kept my self-respect in a ceramic bowl. I crushed it into tiny pieces, garnished with my pride and swallowed it deep. It has disappeared ever since and I never suffer pangs of self-esteem like you all do.

My dedication cannot be compared. I know the taste of master’s toothpick, I love aroma of his spittoon and can tell you the number of his shoes. They say there is a woman behind every successful man but I am the real reason for master’s success. Master was doing reasonably well but he was labelled as successful only when I swarmed around him. Once when my master was low, I took out my pump and inflated his ego. I pumped it hard and long and today it puts even a leviathan to shame. Master used to have doubts but I knew fault lied with the mirror master possessed. Now, master sees himself only through me and he has never been so cocksure.

And did you dare think I have an easy job at hand? The number of aspiring Chamchas increases daily like the ‘likes’ on a beautiful girl’s Facebook pic. There is intense competition and one has to be the best in business.

You still doubt I am not superior to you? Let us come to an agreement in that case, I am present in all of you.