Monday, February 27, 2017

Ten Habits of Highly Effective Meeting Contributors- Simple Ways to Prove Yourself Smart!

Meetings are the most important activity in life of any professional. It is also the best time to tell this world who is most intelligent of them all. Follow these simple principles and emerge from any meeting unscathed, shining and smart:

1.      Well begun is half done; the first step to keep others intimidated from the start. Arrive early for the meetings, if it is at 10am, reach ten minutes before and then look at your watch and give dirty looks to all those entering the hall.
2.      Nod your head gently when someone speaks and make eye contact with as many as you can. This will emphasize that you perfectly understand all that and such an opinion was never expressed. You have also proved only you could decipher that.
3.      Scribble notes at times. Write ‘Twinkle twinkle little star, I have no idea why I came this far’ but appear serious and scribble it down. Underline it twice. Repeat the head nodding and again make some eye contacts. Others will be terrified by all that they have missed.
4.      To appear updated with technology, use gadgets like iPad/Tablet. Fiddle with them all the time and show your neighbors any junk data that Google search throws about the topic. Smile sarcastically at the speaker and then share the smile with anyone willing to do that. Reputation of the speaker is already destroyed.
5.      Interrupt the speaker occasionally and make generalist remarks like ‘that was a very interesting point, but are you really confident there can be no counter argument to that’. It will take some time to understand you actually meant nothing at all and you have already proven who is smart. Never take sides and never call something good or bad. Just words like interesting would be fine.
6.      You will have to do a lot of effort to answer difficult questions, instead keep asking them all the time. In a meeting relating to Vector borne diseases, ask questions like ‘Are you really sure mankind has discovered all the existing diseases or there may still be some where we are totally off the point?’ Once other participants are bowled over by your point, go back to your sleep/rest mode.
7.      Point out any obscure data from the handouts circulated and quote it whenever you find opportunity and time. Ask things like ‘In the year 1976 when Vector borne incidents were 127893 in the country, our city was still at 389. What can be the factor of error in this calculation?’ Most of the participants would have already fallen from their chairs by the time you are finished. 
8.      When your turn comes, speak in vague terms like ‘Let us go beyond our brief and try to contribute together something that will ultimately result in finding solution to the multifarious problems that we have been looking along. Only by joining our brains in collaboration, we can do that. ’
9.      Finish on a positive note. No words are sweeter that those used for flattery. Say things like ‘I am wiser and enriched after hearing so many learned speakers around and it was my humble attempt to match and build up the trajectory that has already gone far.’
10.  Follow the points mentioned above and you have achieved what you want. Now you should not waste your time. Always carry a novel, sketch book or a game of Sudoku and effectively utilize your time.  
 Let no meeting disturb your peace and may your reputation climb greater heights! 

PS: Just in case one is satirically challenged, a satire is a satire, is a satire. Nothing less, nothing more :)

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