A Sincere Insult!

Dear Facebook friend,  

  I had forgotten your existence and hardly spared you a thought but now when you display your life on my Facebook wall, I should tell you that you are the rightful owner of the Biggest Moron Award. I am not candid enough to tell this on your face but I hope you will get my sincere insult (do not blame yourself if you don’t, some people still have chimpanzee’s brain due to evolution’s fault). Though we have virtually known each other for years, I should tell you that my area of interest is finding faults and you will learn it now:

1. Stop sending Candy Crush requests: I know you do not do this by intent but games like Candy Crush thrive on the dumbness of your likes. They can use your account to spread such requests and I hate to learn that you just mowed a farm and Mr. Dick, Tom and Harry settled in neighborhood . I doubt I am surrounded by idiots and your actions reinforce my ideas.

2. Spend a penny, stop sharing philanthropic hoax: Let me tell you once and for all, Facebook never, let me repeat, Facebook never ever donates a penny when you share that picture of kid which an ailing heart. It is time to grow up; being in my friend list proves that you might have an iota of intellect. If you do not trust me, trust Google God and check before sharing any hoax. Start donating a penny from your pocket when you get that philanthropic pang, did anyone ever tell you that there is no free lunch.

3. Pictures of God may not bring fortune: I know that you share a special bond with God (he ensured that you exist in my friend list) but please stop sharing that picture of God with a threat. Fortune is not related to Facebook likes so have the courage to ignore something that originated from your friend with similar IQ. Leave God in peace, try posting a selfie instead.

4. Please bring that Miraculous Snake to home: I know we live in the land of blessed and that snake with seven heads is actually Seshnag. I also accept that you never doubt its existence but I have been dying to see it live, bring it home and I would give it the respect it deserves; just spare my Facebook wall. I have seen this picture a zillion times before; guess what, you got competition in claiming that Moron reward.

5. Ms. Unknown Entity, I hope you have a name: Dear friend, I know your parents (at least) loved you and they named you once. I never noticed when rechristened yourself ***Real Double Rebel***. Though I respect your privacy but use your original name and STOP using the picture of Deepika Padukone on your profile. It is an unfair world and I have you instead of Deepika on my friend list. (Pardon my ignorance of Facebook friends, is that really you Deepika? Check your inbox for meeting tonight)

6. Leave your Keyboard, embrace real Revolution: I know that revolution is not far and people around you are too engaged with their mundane lives. But take some rest and prepare for the impending rebellion. Also please continue your intellectual duels about politics and religion on private platforms and spare others. Be gentle to your keyboard and others who are forced to see your posts. Stop being an armchair Facebook revolutionary, join politics instead.

7. You are not that cool, dear selfie addict:  I have seen you in real life and so have many others; you don’t look that great. Stop posting those pouting selfies; they look to be a childish attempt to appear cool. Gone are the days when people found mates through such antics. I know you love yourself but you need a mirror and not my Facebook wall; leave others in peace, your profile picture updates may be the reason of rising depression and nightmares.

8. There is something called diary, dear itinerary updater: I know that you ate yesterday’s dinner at the Taj, I also learnt about the menu (saw that picture of leftover chicken bones on your plate). Now I do not desire to know the route for your morning jog. Respect democracy; do not take disproportionate space on my wall.

9. Something might exist inside your skull, use it before hitting that Facebook like: I know flattery is the biggest virtue but give some exercise to you brain before clicking that like (You got it wrong in childhood, you teacher was talking about conservation of energy, not brain). Last time when someone posted his dad has passed away; you were the only one to hit like button.

10. I am still trying to figure out who you are: Dear uncle, I remember that we met in last wedding and you commented how much I have grown (I am ecstatic after knowing that). Out of respect and family obligations, I accepted your friend request but please stop commenting on all pics. I already know that those are ‘nice pics’ and I have grown up a lot but be more imaginative next time.

11. I am enough envious now, stop sharing your accomplishments: I never doubted your professional competence and I am sure no one ever did. I also know that your organization exists only because of your efforts but don’t you think Facebook is too small to contain the list of your unending achievements. We are enough envious for this life, please do not torment us incompetent souls.

12. It is time to give attention to the real people around: Didn't you give birth to a daughter today (yes, saw her thirty nine pictures that you uploaded). Social media thrives on angel spirited people like you and it is your divine duty to forward but can’t sharing Genius of AB De Villiers may wait for some time. Isn't it time to log off Facebook and give attention to the real people around (You may discover next to you, a bawling newborn).

13. Never before such a happy couple was born: I have seen pictures from your first date and have read those silly poems (they were really silly, in literal sense). I also saw those auto created videos that Facebook designed for stupid people in love. Indeed you never forget wishing birthdays to each other, display gifts and cards and finalize the menu for the day on my wall. It is not cute to share your lovey-dovey conversation all the time. For once but try some communication in real life; it might not be that bad.

Yes my life sucks and I have always been a jerk but wait for some time before removing me from your friend list. Pretend that you are not the person I was talking about. Keep people guessing that you are a fool rather than taking offence and clear all doubts.

                With Love,

An inconspicuous Facebook friend