How am I?

You always ask me how am I!

I heard a melodious tune once upon a time. It was so beautiful that I kept on listening it and in that tune, memories got woven around. I remember friends and those times, and when I think about it only that melody comes to mind. I can get back to that time just by humming that tune.

I envy kids and twinkle in their eyes. I try to emulate their curiosity but not many things excite me. I often think about childhood and there is a sense of déjà vu. There are voices and memories which keep coming back from old times.

I love reading novels about love and life and often fall in love with their characters. I argue with them and offer advice, and they live with me for some time. I laugh when they laugh, I cry when they cry and whenever something bad happens, I carry that gloom for a long. For many days, I find people playing those parts in real life.

When I read poetry and a strong memory comes back, I smile and cry entire night. I remain at awe of the poet and wonder how such feeling could be put in writing. I think about reading more works of the poet but forget next time.

I feel things I cannot describe. They are neither happy nor sad but poignant and I wish to share it. I like to smell mornings, I like to caress wind and I like to drink beauty that lies all around. I love to feel the warmth of loved ones on cold nights.

I find it hard to forget bad things. I remember failed expectations and promises, and something that was said in those times. I also remember something that was not. Unfulfilled expectations come back and wake me up on lonely nights. No one ever sees me cry but I find a lump in my throat and wetness in eyes. I promise not to think about it and repeat the promise next time.

I hide myself in layers and do not open my heart out. I commit mistake of opening it up and blame myself when it is callously put down. I wonder what is wrong and right in this world. I get wicked ideas and wonder if I am the only one with such mind.

I get amazed at this world and keep falling in love with the beautiful things around. I wonder why we exist. I think about life, what was before us and what will come when we are not. I get up early in the mornings so that I can sleep some more. I love blurred lines between dream and reality and I love to dream what I dream all the time. I sleep peacefully when you lie next to me. I dream about that time.

I get unnerved when I think I only have one life and that too is fleeting by. I wonder I will never get what I do not in this life. I often think about getting old and lonely and in those times, I want you by my side.

When you are not there, I talk to you for hours. There is so much that you have never heard, yet I told you so many times. I do not need you when I need you around. I wonder how you weave your words and hide meanings behind; I smile at your naïve replies.

I wonder how I am!

PS: This article is inspired from the verse below, I find it more beautiful than my article:

तुमने उस दरिया को देखा है
जो समन्दर की चाह में
न जाने कितने हज़ार मील का सफ़र करता है
और हिज्र की लम्बी घड़ियां बिताता है
और सूख जाता है
मैं वैसा हूँ

#सुख़नवर

Read the entire poem here (http://merinazme.blogspot.in/2016/09/blog-post_16.html)