Being Human

I always believed I was human. I guess people around me concurred with that or in case they didn’t, no one ever mentioned it in my life. So, I was happy being human and probably relished at that till one day I opened Google on my laptop and it said I needed to prove that I was not a Robot.

I had a lump in my throat and surge of emotions inside. A part of me said since I was too efficient, google was confusing me with a robot. Another part felt a machine was asking me to prove I was not a machine myself. After a decade of failed programming efforts, my wife would have vouched I was anything but a robot but I guess google also knew she underestimated me hence did not ask.

I thought for a long time on this question of principle and then concluded I should do what I did best on most occasions, that is swallowing pride. I acquiesced to the google CAPTCHA challenge. To my further embarrassment, I later had to google to learn CAPTCHA meant ‘Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.’

I took a deep breath, prayed to my guardian angel and braced myself for the test. The test presented multiple square boxes and asked to tick ones with traffic signals. I revisited my Driving licence test in mind and then realised it is best avoided to mention how I got my Driving licence.

The boxes presented by Google had signals written in Chinese language and now I had real doubts about the intentions of google. I kept ticking boxes and it kept replacing them with news ones fast. Language was not the only doubt. What about the box having pole of the traffic signal?

Probably I was as good as a robot or not as bad a human, it gave up on me and now said I should tick boxes with cars. I diligently kept on checking boxes but google google was for sure biased. It gave Vans and now I was confused if Van was also a car.

For a moment I felt like breaking the laptop but gave up the idea on imagining my better half in the aftermath. I felt if google was man enough, it should ask me in person if I was human. Google would have thanked its stars that day at not being a man.

After a long time, and multiple failed attempts, existential questions started coming to my mind. I now had doubts if I was indeed a human. The ghost of Ghalib presented itself and said he had written this sher for this day:

बस-कि दुश्वार है हर काम का आसाँ होना,
आदमी को भी मयस्सर नहीं इंसाँ होना

The irony is as soon as I got doubts about being human, google sensed my confusion and immediately declared that since I was so unsure, I could only be human. I felt like celebrating for days to come.

Next day google said it would take my Math test to declare me a human. I was better at Math than I was at Traffic signals but google missed the basic premise that only humans were supposed to make computing errors, not computers, so technically wasn't I was more human when I gave wrong answers.

But then, who has ever in this world appreciated a feedback. I took the only option available, swallowed pride and acquiesced!

Because Commitment means Everything!

You were always committed to whatever you did. You also believed that first step to be serious in anything was committing yourself financially, so that you automatically give your best into it.

When you decided to learn Lawn Tennis, you were so serious that you coughed up three months’ salary to buy best racket. Though you gave up the game after three days and decided to first build up stamina instead, (and though you dread to mention it in front of your better half) you are till date committed to the idea of learning Lawn Tennis.

So, after taking Guitar lessons on a not so good borrowed instrument, you realised main reason for your less than satisfactory progress was lack of serious engagement. You had your eureka moment when you realised westerners played Guitar well due to the quality of their set. You immediately knew you had to buy an imported equipment.

After doing online survey half the night and then accepting Grammy award in the remaining half while sleeping, you were fully prepared to own up new set. Online Samaritans had warned about salesmen tricking people into buying unnecessary accessories and you chuckled at being too smart to be fooled by such things.

You entered the famed Kolkata showroom of this famous brand and realised it was somewhat smaller than in your dreams. It ended almost as soon as it began, but then you realised the proprietor was a Bengali and hence, the simplicity. You were happy that you will not be billed extra for externalities.

If you ever have been to a Marwari or Sindhi shop, you will realise how they scream customers are God and then show you entire stuff of their showroom. You end up buying unnecessary items but Bengalis are egalitarian and they may even refuse to sell you something they deem you are not fit to use.

You thanked your stars for finding this economical showroom but wondered how four salesmen were stuffed into such a small space. You know any professional help you needed was now just next to you. You took your time observing various Guitar sets and took mental note of it. After thirty minutes when you had minutely observed everything, you realised any salesman was yet to express an iota of interest in you.

The one at the cash counter was seriously playing solitaire on his computer. By the look on his face you realised he was defending some international championship. Two others were debating American imperialism and hateful policies of Donald Trump. You were amazed by their knowledge and could not help but appreciate the overall awareness.

You decided to intrude into the space of fourth salesman who was aimlessly loitering in the showroom. You encircled him like a bee and gathered courage to ask him for Guitar sets. He wasn’t exactly pleased yet asked what you exactly wanted. You mentioned a price cap and he took out a Guitar and handed it to you. Buying anything was never so simple.

You wondered if you should ask for opening the wrapper but he was now busy talking on his mobile. You played the polythene above guitar strings for complete fifteen minutes and displayed you were no novice. As soon as he ended the call, you pointed towards another Guitar set gesturing him to take it out. In a fraction of a second, myriads of expressions crossed his face all of which screamed you had betrayed him. He curtly said that Guitar was expensive.

You now felt offended and wanted to tell him your credit card limit. You also wanted to say your spectacles though thick and unattractive were Ray Ban and you were wearing Calvin Klein Shirt and Levis jeans. Before you could react, he suddenly left the shop screaming to the guy on computer that it was lunch time.

The only thing that mattered in this world now was salvaging your pride. You told the guy at counter in stern voice that you wanted to buy the same Guitar that the salesman had termed as expensive. There was an authority in your voice and you never felt more confident in life. The guy at the counter nodded politely as if he had at last understood your worth. Your back was erect and your neck was so straight that you examined the ceiling.

You waited and waited and waited and then realised Bengal was the first province to get bureaucracy in the British times. Billing was some serious business and something that they deeply respected. All three salesmen combined their strength and settled on the model number after verifying hundreds of documents. They were also extremely cautious in writing the bill and you could not help but appreciate their neat handwriting.

All three of them bowed gently when you left and started discussing strengths and weaknesses of Irish Football team. You sort of liked them now. You confidently carried the imported Guitar with a swag and were now committed to it for your whole life.

You quietly tear the bill before entering the house lest your better half one day discovers it.

Disclaimer: इस कहानी के सभी पात्र और घटनाएं काल्पनिक हैं. इसका उद्देश्य किसी भी व्यक्ति, धर्म, समुदाय अथवा जाति को ठेस पहुँचाना नहीं है. बावजूद इसके, किसी भी real or imagined असुविधा के लिए खेद है. 

How to make the most of Meetings!

No other event in any organisation is productive as its meetings. The number of tasks that are accomplished through meetings are infinite and seven of them are listed now:

1.     Your boss has made life difficult in office and daily dose of Lauki, Taroi and Palak for dinner at home doesn’t help. There was an odd nostril hair peeping in and out but never had the ‘me time’ to take care of that. Once you are in a meeting with a promising power point, lights slightly dim to let northward pointing graphs (each taller than its predecessor) leave their mark and optimistic sound of the speaker acting as a lullaby, you get the perfect ‘me time’ you were waiting for.

2.     Despite your deep sense of meditation all this time, something still penetrated your eardrums and you now know what your organisation is working on, what you are working on and what you have always been working upon. You get that perfect ‘Eureka’ moment and feel excited about whatever work you have been doing/ not doing for a long time.

3.     You notice gloomy faces of your office colleagues, their increasing waistline, receding hairline and now you feel that you are not the only one with a dull life. You try to fool your heart that you are not missing out much on life.

4.     Imagination is the most important ability needed to survive in life. You craft a story why something did not work in the past, pull out reasons/excuses why present performance is bad and boast ‘acche din’ all have been waiting for a long time. You realise there was a philosopher inside you waiting to come out for a long time.

5.     Meetings help to scratch each other’s back and celebrate trifles like achievements. You can cut cakes, celebrate success and pose for pictures for the annual magazine. You may further agree on new ways to waste each other’s time and list out subjects on which further meetings are required. In case something has gone wrong, you can minute it in the meeting and claim ‘I told you so’ alibi.

6.     Meeting are like those free periods in school that allows you do whatever you have wanted to do for a long time. You can sketch, write and catch some sleep during this time. You can also utilise this time on social media, post pictures with #deepinwork/#amazingteam and update your profile.

7.     Meetings provide a reason to utilize the departmental budget to eat, distribute exotic stationary and just to make sure participants feel valued shower souvenir(gifts) at times. You try new sandwiches, cashews and devour candies. As mentioned in this article before, meetings also provide a perfect opportunity to prove you are smart!

Welcome, you have Arrived!

You had more faith in Newton’s law of Inertia than Newton himself and state of rest was all you ever wanted in life. This was not the world of your dreams and you have wife and kids who have been applying an external force to take them out. You sustain the force for a long time but it grows exponentially with time. You soon realize world peace is more important and even Newton would have chosen it if given a choice.  

Your wife says she wishes to go to a place that is popular yet pristine and you tell her that was an example of oxymoron. You complement yourself on wisecrack but anyways suffer the consequences for voicing that. You are now family’s odd one out and even the kids are on the other side of this divide.

You demonstrate your seriousness and surf the internet for a long time looking for various tourist sites. You search for hotels and flight discounts. During this time, you have gifted yourself spams for a lifetime. You start getting deals for hotel/airlines and there are even offers for baggage loss insurance.

You show all this to your wife as an alibi in being helpless in locating any site and you are reminded of ‘one that should not be named’ popups that have been receiving without any complain for a long time. You quietly open your laptop and book the first exotic holiday that appears on the website. You feel a large hole in your pocket and show the amount to your wife to salvage some pride. You get a consolatory pat on the cheek. Next few days are spent in shopping for suitable dress, hats and goggles and you are ready with an attire that screams ‘See how a tourist looks like’.

The D-day arrives and you board the flight. Your kids punish the flight attendant for committing the mistake of offering a candy one time. They also compete in who can press the flight attendant call button more number of times.

After a long arduous journey, you are at the hotel and it does not disappoint. All you want to do in the hotel room is to sleep on the soft bed and wonder why there is no such mattress in your house. You have competitive kids and they treat the bed as a Bouncy and demonstrate their high jump capabilities. You remember the fortune this booking has cost and do not ask your kids to stop. They also scribble their names on the hotel walls.  

Next day, you request the hotel to book a Cab and your driver is an English-speaking man. You now can only get impressed. He confidently tells you about the not to be missed sites and for next three days, you are his ungrudging hostage. You visit/do not visit places that he recommends and you sincerely want to live up in his eyes. You eat, drink and shop at places that he says befits your stature and you enviously calculate his cut in your mind.

Long traffic snarls in the place tell you that it is anything but pristine now. You buy chips packet, water bottles and cold drink cans like all other tourists to leave your own mark at the tourist spot. You still have to negotiate a long queue in entering tourist attractions and you haggle with salesmen and beggars during that.

Your kids take toilet breaks at odd places at odd times and locating a public toilet is now your favourite pastime. Soon you have experience of sniffing public toilets of various kinds and you realise finding a clean toilet would be the ultimate dream of any Indian voyager. You have also started appreciating Graffiti on the toilet walls. There are complex biological concepts demonstrated, love professed in pure primal forms and simple copulation described. You are confident that A L Basham named his book ‘Wonder that is India’ after having a look at graffiti on toilet walls.   

You reach a historical site and since you already have been tricked, you do not mind becoming a fool one more time. You hire a tourist guide at an exorbitant price. Soon you realise hearing him may spoil chances of your kids studying history any time. You spend rest of the time in reading information written at the spot to your children and the tourist guide. You extract your revenge by not buying anything from the souvenir shop that he guides you outside.

On last day, you buy Souvenirs for neighbours and relatives. One cannot miss telling them about the great time that you had and see their envy of not being at this site. You also duly click pictures at all places and make funny smiling face. You realize breathing out when the picture is clicked helps as it hides your family pack. You keep on doing that all the time. Once you are back, you get an uncanny feeling that your trip was a waste. You still post pictures on your Facebook wall.

You finally feel that your trip was a success when you have attained the objective of getting maximum likes!

How (not) to Learn Swimming in Three Days Straight!

You dreamt about being Jack of all trades but you are already in mid-thirties and bereft of any skill in life. Being good in studies was your alibi for quite some time and now you have a strong urge to learn something but you happen to be shy; you also happen to be District Magistrate of the place where you reside. 

You think about exotic hobbies like scuba diving, or something refined like learning Urdu but then you notice your ascending waistline. You zero on Swimming and casually mention it to someone in the town. He tells you how he totally approves it, where one can begin and why swimming is important for one’s overall well-being in life. He tells all those he meets why you have made the right choice. You feel happy inside and promise yourself that once you are done with swimming, you will continue to learn new skills in life.

Next day a group of professional swimmers come for a friendly chat. They explain how joining them may be better and there is logic in their argument. Same day three other groups come and demonstrate their teaching abilities. You choose a pool which belongs to the government and by virtue of being District Magistrate, you also happen to be the President of its Swimming Society.

As you reach the pool, members of managing committee along with their family members (and some distant cousins/neighbours) are there to make you comfortable. They warmly take you inside and as you come out from the changing room in your swimming tracks, you feel their piercing eyes scanning your not so perfectly chiselled body. You are suddenly conscious of the long hairs emanating from various corners of your body and rush to get inside the pool.

The coach is extremely warm and tells you how simple it is to learn this art and shows you simple water exercises. You imitate them fast and he profusely praises your spontaneity. He prophesises you will learn swimming in three days straight. You dream about your sculpted body after days of swimming and toy with the idea of an Olympic gold but for the moment, keep it on hold.  

Next day you are chief guest in a public program and are suddenly woken up from your slumber by generous praise that speaker has unleashed about your swimming capabilities. He repeats the prophecy that you will perfect swimming in three days straight and now you can feel the weight of expectations of entire town. You sheepishly smile and wonder if anyone is still left to learn about your new endeavour in life.

Being diligent learner, you reach the swimming pool again on time and again a horde is there to welcome you inside. You enter the pool and find the coach smiling warmly. He today ups the swimming lessons and you find them difficult. You also realise that breathing water is not something that lungs like and your eyes complain that water of the pool has chlorine inside. Your performance today was not that you dreamt but you still have a day to master this art.

Next day, there is pain in muscles you never knew existed in your body. You still go to the swimming pool and the coach is there to teach some new tricks but you find them completely impossible. You feel that only thing that loves you in this world is gravity of swimming pool calling you inside. In your naivete, you share this thought with the coach who tasks you with touching the swimming pool floor with your hands. You try and try and try and fail at that. The coach murmurs words of motivation and ask you to continue but you have missed the three-day target.

You take a break for couple of days and decide to compromise Olympic dreams. You internalise that you enter the water to rejoice and learning to swim is incidental. You are back with full enthusiasm and the coach smiles at you but you feel he has chuckled. You behave with him like estranged couple and ignore him rest of the time. You keep punishing water by your slaps and you also try to slap it by your feet but gravity still wants you inside.

You go to the pool off and on but avoid looking coach in the eye. You find others who tell what you have been doing wrong and they make perfect sense every time. You discuss with them politics, climate change and career choice of their niece and rejoice. Soon you have discovered 10001 ways in which one cannot swim and feel like writing a book about that.  

Winter comes to your rescue and the pool shuts down. You blame it for not being able to learn this new trade but now you confident that your actual interest was in Badminton. You still wonder if you should mention it to someone in your town. Meanwhile members of the Swimming pool management committee (and other swimming clubs) visit you every alternate day and remind that pool would reopen next month.

Since You Have Been!

The flowers always bloomed, and were colourful too

The birds chirped on the trees, and sailed in far off skies

But since you have been,

Flowers glow in radiant colours, and smile at me

Birds now chirp melodies, and when I listen carefully

There are love songs in their humming

I adored winter mornings

When I could wrap myself in the blanket, and hold soft pillow for company

But now when you are next to me, mornings are welcoming, cosy

When I wake up from my dreams, I am happy, often smiling,

and I try to lull myself to sleep to relive that dream

I always loved poets and poetry, and felt I understood it

But now when I recite them to you

Those myriads of couplets, lost ages ago, come rushing to greet you

Those verses open their heart

And I live the poet and poetry,

I was happy in life, and enjoyed the solitude

I walked on deserted streets, or sat down and gazed the evening sky, 

Now when I am alone and look at the sky, stars twinkle in glory

There are new constellations, seen and unseen and if I stay there for sometime

They whisper pieces of poetry

I often think how to describe you,

As earthy smell of first rain, or morning dew in lush garden

Or silence of the mountains, or may be as gushing sound of a hasty spring

You are also like the colour of sky, with myriad hues on different times

And then I remember your laughter on a dull day, spreading cheerfulness all around

I feel you are like the sound of a train, waxing and waning

You are also like view of the world outside, from the window of a train

Lush green fields, Kids playing carefree,

Lotuses blooming in a deserted pond

When evening falls, passing lights of small towns

And a frail old couple, holding hands and walking

I always hated words but since you have been

I do not need them to talk to you

Since you have been

I believe in hope, kindness, beauty, eternity

I believe in all the beautiful things in life,

And did I tell this ever to you,

Since you have been

Love makes much more sense to me