Mind is Restless Krishna!

The mock interview panel stared at me and there I was, sweating, stammering and uttering incoherent words. Bored faces of panel members betrayed the impression that I made. This was the third mock interview that I had bombed. 

UPSC Civil Service exam process lasts for more than a year from the time you apply for prelims and when the final results come. I had done pretty well before, crossing hurdles of prelims and mains in my maiden attempt and now after getting an interview call, I dreamt of topping the exam. I was confident that it could only be a northwards graph from here on.

But then came mock interviews and my performance was a disaster. My confident, articulate self was nowhere to be found and this needed to change fast. My strategy was not working and I reread what UPSC wrote about the interview: Personality Test is not a cross-examination but a natural, though directed and purposive conversation which is intended to reveal the mental qualities of the candidate. 

I took a complete break and asked myself what was going on. I went on long walks, sat quietly for hours to introspect and reflect.And one morning while I was walking near a temple, I heard the shloka that cleared my doubts:

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन ।
मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भुर्मा ते संगोऽस्त्वकर्मणि ॥

You have the right to work only but never to its fruits

Let not fruits of action be your motive, nor let your attachment be to inaction

I was attaching too much importance on my result. I wanted to control the future, and thus I wanted to control everything else. It was difficult to get detached but then it made sense that other than doing my karma to the best of my ability, I could not do anything else. I internalised it and I did not get nervous during the real interview. I also cleared the exam and joined Indian Administrative Service (IAS). 

Men are mortal and who can put all their efforts in something and not be worried about the results. Even today, I have a restless state of mind but I understand my limitations now. The verse though that is resonating now is one of Ghalib:

                                      phir kuchh ik dil ko be-qarārī hai

                                      siina juyā-e-zaḳhm-e-kārī hai 

                                      (My heart is again restless, it seeks a deeper wound.)