Eleven ways to Express Love: Indian Style

When men were moving in wilderness in other places, we had a thriving civilisation in place. Ours was and is a land of glory and riches, and that of being perfect in almost everything. We do not need to copy anyone and we do not need Valentine’s day, Father’s Day or Friendship Day etc to express love. We have other unique ways to express it:

• 1.    Choosing career for the kids: We believe that once a child, always a child. Choice of career is very important in anyone’s life and such a decision cannot be left to the kids. Interest, liking and such other things are too western a concept to find any utility. We always worry about our children hence we do not give them the trouble of deciding careers and most other things.
• 2.     Fixing marriages:  Parents love their children and so do relatives. When such is the case, can they not lend support in fixing marriages. Spouse plays the most important role in anyone’s life and entire family has to vet it. For a perfect match factors like caste, horoscope and dowry have to be favourable and such a complicated issue cannot be left to the kids.  Love can always wait, and union of any male and female can make babies which is the primary objective of any marriage.
• 3.     Girls have a special place:  We love our girls so much that we bestow on them the name and fame of our family. In fact, they are our bet whenever there is ‘honour test’ of any family. Most of our girls conform and in some erring cases there are honour killings but for honour purposes strictly. No men can have this privilege of defining honour of the family and have you ever heard a man being killed for saving honour of the family.
• 4.     Romance in Desi style: This is a concept we deeply feel about and Bollywood movies have amply demonstrated it. The person who we love may not know it for a long time. Stalking/ abuse is just a technique to dig out love hidden deep within. One may give threats of suicide, bleed or occasionally throw acid, but it is just to express love and sincerity.
• 5.     Love for Partner/Spouse: In case one already has a spouse/partner, being possessive is the love test put to use. do. We love them so much that we almost feel they are our own, as good as our own property. Emotional blackmail is a legitimate form of love disguised as a blackmail.
• 6.     Propagate superstitions: There is deep knowledge which is propagated in closed groups of society. Those westernised may call it superstition but it is our intellectual property and we ensure that all those we love know about it. We know Horoscope can find solution for all problems, cats are bad omen and evil eye is root cause of illness. You can also get rid of Manglik dosh by marrying tree as a famous actress did. Everything doesn’t need a scientific basis and you question love while questioning it.  
• 7.     Internalising Prejudices: These are collective heritage of our families, caste and society. We pass it on to all those we love and impart them good training in prejudices. As in case of other things, questioning these is questioning our love and our collective heritage.
• 8.     Our Great Nation will always be Great: Our nation is perfect and has always been so. There are many scientific advances that world is making now but our sages of old times had done it in old ages. You can read in in our religious texts, or easily google them through internet. We have contribution in everything good that happened to humanity. We are so liberal that we welcomed all with open arms and we are so tolerant that our blood boils when anyone disagrees. We break their bones to prove our point.
• 9.  Respect for culture, language and our religion: We have deep respect and love for our culture, language and our religion. In fact, anything associated with us is only worth glorifying.  We often express our love by getting outraged at books/social media post or statements made by XYZ in Honululu. We are emotional people and show our respect by burning books, blocking movies and sometimes through maiming/lynching.
• 10.  Forwarding General Gyan/WhatsApp Messages: This is a new trend observed in extended families. We want all those we love to be empowered and knowledgeable so we express our love by forwarding messages. Love cannot be guarded and since we love wholeheartedly, there is absolutely no need to check or verify messages before forwarding. We also express our love by forwarding hate messages.
• 11.  Making people Eat: If we want to express our love, we make people eat. Satisfaction of guests is measured by consumption of fats and calories and true love is reflected on the surface tension of their tummies. Eating is so dear to us that we ensure all our countrymen are eating righteously. At times, we do sample checks in the form of mob vigilantes and verify what others are eating. In case, they aren’t on the right side, we express our love differently.  

PS: Just in case one is sarcastically challenged, this is satire. I DO NOT endorse any of these