Don’t read it

(unless you are utterly idle)

Got it. There was a car, in the garden……..behind the bars, in the jargonized world, along with children’s emergency fund.

With hot boiling water and bread and sickle or something with senses and without reason with a blank…………….out of calm.

Another try, do it now, just now, just now, just now, already three times, this is four, okay you know how to count.

Furbishing this, with flamboyance, idiot you don’t even know the meanings of these.

Kya soch tha, koi matlab niklega iska (read the title again)

An Obscure (love) story

(Help: HE= He, never pal
Pal= Pal and never He
I have been enough crticised for confusions, :-) )

It all happened in a day.

He loved her (as had been declared by him) and she (……perhaps) loved him….not yet declared. And then there was this ‘friendship’ clause. Formally.

It was compromise that they had reached some days before. He had proposed her and then he ran away, not asking her response, not letting her respond. When an awkward uneasiness entered their relationship, she came and said ‘Can’t we just be friends’. Just! No it was not at all just from his side, but they agreed.

There was another character in this plot. A pal of his, a pal of her. Both used to communicate through him as eyes were found incapable at times, mostly when there was that special (mis)understanding.

He had a problem, that a pal was meant only to communicate with her and nothing else and she had a problem that pal was a pal, and you need pals at times. Then there was this long gap when the pal went out, I mean out of city. She missed him because she missed a pal and he (not much) missed him because he missed the link of communication. He was (privately) enjoying it as she was talking to him more often and he wished to eliminate this loop of pal.

It was ok till she started longing for this pal and became sad and wished the pal would call him on phone. He was not perturbed by anything but strangely when she became sad, he became restless. So that day he decided to play Good Samaritan, called this pal, asked him to talk to her, not letting her know he asked for it.

She was really happy, happy at the special ‘bond’ she had with this pal, the pal ‘felt’ that she wanted to talk to the pal the pal called her. What a good coincidence. Of course she told him all this in detail, and how happy she was.

But he had again this problem. He was not perturbed by anything but strangely when she became happy (without any reason involving him), he became restless. So he decided to play Bad Samaritan and he told her that he had asked the pal to call her.

So it all had this (ugly) ending. Both of them never talked about it later. You may not call it ending.

The ‘friendship’ clause was removed after some days.

The pal remained a pal.

The urge to communicate

It is perhaps the greatest dilemmas of mankind. Man is always looking for someone to talk. The reason I am writing this, is that I want to communicate. But I have hardly any idea what.

You ask me how I am, or the question patented for me these days 'How is your preparation going' I will always give the same answer. I won't ever say I am bad, nor will I say that my preparation is not OK. I do not blame the person who asks me. I know it is because of their urge to communicate.

The dilemma comes when we have this urge and we don't know what to talk. If the person you are talking to is from fairer sex, then it is a different ball game. But for our normal considerations, let's take the case of naïve, harmless, aimless communicator, the communicator of my type. I know if you are reading this, you belong to this category.

At times there is guilt. When we think about our aim in life, our worth and time being precious, this communication looks futile. But take it from me it is a noble quality, to talk, to gossip. No one gave me a penny for my 'precious' time but I have derived eternal bliss from many pointless discussions. Puritans would like to know its advantage but I say who cares. I have enough time in life to waste in useless talks.

I know this blog hardly makes a sense but I cannot resist my urge :-)

Waiting…….to Graduate

Do not confuse it with the degree. I have one. My problem is something else.

In my high school, I discovered that I had grown. I was no longer a kid. I looked back at myself and thought what a child I was. I could look at the world with a different perspective. I felt the change in my parents, in my relatives in the way they took me. Then I thought how great it would feel to graduate.

I had dreams of growing big, having an identity….. a mature identity. When I looked at others who were in their twenties, I felt that was actually the time when someone's life begins. But that was not to be.

Today I feel that my mental growth stopped somewhere in between. I think exactly like I thought in class X. The way the world looked then, it's exactly the same. It is the same obsession for girls, same complexes, same envy, and same fears. I bet had I been writing this blog then, it would have been exactly the same. It is the same way I adulated 'biggies' and always felt to be a lesser mortal.

I do not know when I will 'graduate'. If I try to feel within myself that I am in my twenties I am scared. At this stage, I dread maturing.

Happy, to be alive……

At times I have this feeling, how great it is to be alive. To feel the joy, to feel the pain, to feel……

I do not want to discover the truth of life, its aim, its purpose. I have no interest in any of the philosophical questions. Those who uncover the questions of life do not know how great it is to be a lesser mortal. I have no desire to be on top of this world. I do not want to run. I want to sit back and see this world passing by. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to talk, I want to listen, I want to be foolish, I want to be a child. I just want to live……

Stoic at will…..

I am perturbed. I know this phase will go and I will be back in chores of my daily life.

Today again I read about Jesicca case in newspaper. To add pain to my worried mind, there was the case of Priyadarshini Mattoo, raped and murdered. Her 68 year old father is still carrying on the fight in the case. The 'Judge' says that he is sure that the convict is guilty but he cannot do anything because of lack of 'evidence'. A lady is shot dead in Lucknow because she dared to protest against the lewd remarks of some goons. System turns out to be helpless because they are connected to party in power.

In Kanpur acid in thrown on a girl's face. The court finds no one guilty because her old father cannot 'pursue' the case as vigorously as the convict's family can. A person who dies lays in rest but a girl who has to see her face everyday in the mirror…..I have no words.

This is the price to be civilized. I praise the laws of Saudi Arabia where there is an eye for an eye. I am an animal. My heart will be at peace only when the person guilty goes through the same agony as the victim does. I imagine someone shooting the convict just outside the court as soon as he is declared 'innocent'.

How can anyone worship God, what will you tell the 68 year old man, the girl with a burnt face. Tell them that this was the punishment of sins of their earlier lives, or they will be repaid in their next birth.

Remain calm till you are not the victim and convince yourself by non existing logic. Lip service is all we can do.
I know I will forget everything soon till I read another case in newspaper. Then again I will get frustrated, curse the system, feel pity at my impotence and move on.

I am a stoic at will……..so you are.