I, SHE and THEY

(Disclaimer: All characters in this story are purely fictitious and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co incidental.)

I say:

She is my girlfriend from eight years. No, none of my friends have met her. Actually I never wanted to. Reasons, OK I always felt that boys meet the girlfriends of their friends to see ‘kaisa maal pataya hai’. I know my friends are not like that but I could never get above this mentality.

But eight years is a long time. I had made up my mind to let them meet her at a suitable point of time.
So the occasion came when Rahul was giving treat of his new job. I was with her when I got the invitation from Rahul to join them.

Sometimes you work against your intuitions; I asked him if I can bring her there, no not alone, with one of her female friend. It was just a moment’s impulse, with no consequences pondered whatsoever. Rahul of course could not say no.

The thing I realized later was there were five friends, drinking! and a scapegoat to be butchered unwillingly at a five star hotel. So I knew that I was going to spoil their fun and increase the woes of the scapegoat by adding three more persons to the party at an expensive hotel.

No, I could not revert, the shot had been fired and I had to go with it.

She says:

I never understand why he insists on taking me to meet his friends. I feel that I am going there to be evaluated by his friends. The thought that all my moves are being watched and I am a showpiece scares me. I know I might be overreacting but if I need to ‘look good’, behave well, look interested and smile all the time, I turn uncomfortable.

Also why is he taking me to a five start hotel? His friends might feel that I came because they were at a five star. He himself knows that his chances of giving back a treat at a five star are minimal. I know that this thought has worried him and he himself is uncomfortable.

His friends will be drinking there. I turn uncomfortable at the sight of booze, and there I will have to look normal. He knows all this and I know he will become more restless than me. But I have to go with him, I have no other option.

They Say:

We do not have much to say. We only know that he is coming to this party with his girlfriend. We have to try hard so that the effect of booze does not get over our heads. Most of us will have to try hard to act normally in the presence of girls.

We dot not have any opinion on anything, let fate take care of it. But his girlfriend should not feel how strange friends he has……………

For any confusions hereafter, look at the disclaimer.

I LOVE MY INDIA

I love my India
I sit in the general compartment of a train to go to a nearby town. Six persons sit on the seat of three, and six others stand in front. It’s hard to breathe and nature is not allowed to call you as some lucky persons always capture the toilets, the only space available with less human density. I see youngsters and elder men, using the filthiest language , with their teeth red chewing pan masala. I watch policemen and coolies distributing seats by taking/extorting money. You don’t need to die to go to hell. Most Indians travel like this!

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I love my India.
I go to visit my grandparents who live in a town, a sub urban town. The bus takes five hours to complete a journey of sixty kilometers, courtesy shining India roads. Being well off, my grandparents have all appliances which add luxury to your life like TV and fridge. But average electricity supply is around eight hours. I think about the growth rate of our infrastructure. Nearly eighty percent India live at such places, and worse !

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I love my India.
I read the morning newspaper and find the decision of a court case I have been following since years, a boy, son of an IAS officer threw acid on the face of a girl. The court and police, after struggling hard discover that evidence is not sufficient to punish the boy. In the meantime, the boy has completed a professional course and is doing a job. The girl’s father has spent his entire savings in her treatment and the court case. The girl is nearly OK, only lost her one eye and has incurable injuries on her face. The girl loses the case and I lose hope. This the fate of most cases !

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I love my India
Nearly after sixty years of independence, our politicians unanimously discover that they need to do ‘social justice’. They reserve half the seats for backward castes. They turn deaf towards an issue called academic excellence or merit. Providing assistance at primary level and allowing them to run along with other classes does not attract votes so they hand over the crutches of reservation, first at graduation level, then at post graduation level and then in job. Students fight but most of us know what shall be the fate of their struggle !

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What is India, the one growing at eight percent or one waiting to get drinking water, India seeing the software boom, posh molls or India where farmers commit suicides and Sati is glorified. What is India, an emerging superpower, or one doomed by politicians. Till you decide, I will keep on saying I love my India.

Proud of Our democracy

Two events involving our political leaders took place nearly side by side. One was marriage of Lalu Yadav’s daughter; the other was the sad demise of Pramod Mahajan.

Though both were simple events, common to the life of any society, but they conveyed a special message. Leaders cutting across party lines were present in both. The bitterness of politics was nowhere to be seen in Nitish Kumar blessing the daughter of Lalu or Sonia Gandhi giving condolences to Pramod Mahajan They must have criticized each other severely in public debates, thrown abuses, charged each other of corruption, yet they all realize the difference between personal life and professional life. Isn’t it democracy, to have ideological differences, to criticize policies, yet being together in times warranting it.

The magic of democracy is that though the surface looks turbulent full of clashes and differences, the stream is calm at depth, accommodating all conflicting views, giving space to everyone according to his hold on society. Every contender identifies the legitimacy of those in power owing to the public support and thus avoiding any bitterness, a virtue which can never be implanted in any dictatorship.

This is certainly a good sign of healthy Indian democracy, an institution in which issues are contested, not human beings.

A Random Diary

I sit here, idle, alone, thinking about future, thinking about past……thinking about life. I think about my family, I think about my friends…..about all those moments. Moments filled with success, failures. I think about how things will shape up. I feel hopeful, I feel doomed. I know past is gone and I know no one knows the future.
At times I feel lonely but this phase will pass and I know I will look back and cherish these days.

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My prelim exam is tomorrow. So many friends have called me to say best of luck. I do not know whether I liked it or not, I felt strange. They made me realize that something important was coming up, and those two hours mattered. I am not restless, but I don’t know how to react.
I was thinking why my friends called me and I felt all of us are alone. We all need occasions to talk to, to feel that we are together, in this new real world, out of IIT.

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The Exam is over. I feel it did not go well but I know I have fared better than others. My mind is never ready to believe that I will not succeed. I feel excited, life looks changed and I have to get ready for another assignment.

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Today I got the news that my paper is cancelled. And everyone consoled me ‘so what your exam did not go very well, its good for you. But I knew I would have qualified and now I shall have to waste another one month. I am not depressed.
I have the gut feeling that I will get through all these…I have to.

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Met my maternal grandparents today, nearly after two years.
They are old, and whenever I meet them, I have the feeling that this may be our last meeting. I remember the times when summer holidays used to be fun, only because of them, because of the kite, the cold water from well, the ride of a bullock cart, getting up with the sunrise and smell of morning air. Life looked bliss and all I wanted was that my summer vacations never end.
Now things have changed, so have aspirations. These things no longer fascinate me. I do not know whether I love my grandparents or not, but they long to see me, and that makes me feel guilty that why I do not feel for them

Don’t read it

(unless you are utterly idle)

Got it. There was a car, in the garden……..behind the bars, in the jargonized world, along with children’s emergency fund.

With hot boiling water and bread and sickle or something with senses and without reason with a blank…………….out of calm.

Another try, do it now, just now, just now, just now, already three times, this is four, okay you know how to count.

Furbishing this, with flamboyance, idiot you don’t even know the meanings of these.

Kya soch tha, koi matlab niklega iska (read the title again)

An Obscure (love) story

(Help: HE= He, never pal
Pal= Pal and never He
I have been enough crticised for confusions, :-) )

It all happened in a day.

He loved her (as had been declared by him) and she (……perhaps) loved him….not yet declared. And then there was this ‘friendship’ clause. Formally.

It was compromise that they had reached some days before. He had proposed her and then he ran away, not asking her response, not letting her respond. When an awkward uneasiness entered their relationship, she came and said ‘Can’t we just be friends’. Just! No it was not at all just from his side, but they agreed.

There was another character in this plot. A pal of his, a pal of her. Both used to communicate through him as eyes were found incapable at times, mostly when there was that special (mis)understanding.

He had a problem, that a pal was meant only to communicate with her and nothing else and she had a problem that pal was a pal, and you need pals at times. Then there was this long gap when the pal went out, I mean out of city. She missed him because she missed a pal and he (not much) missed him because he missed the link of communication. He was (privately) enjoying it as she was talking to him more often and he wished to eliminate this loop of pal.

It was ok till she started longing for this pal and became sad and wished the pal would call him on phone. He was not perturbed by anything but strangely when she became sad, he became restless. So that day he decided to play Good Samaritan, called this pal, asked him to talk to her, not letting her know he asked for it.

She was really happy, happy at the special ‘bond’ she had with this pal, the pal ‘felt’ that she wanted to talk to the pal the pal called her. What a good coincidence. Of course she told him all this in detail, and how happy she was.

But he had again this problem. He was not perturbed by anything but strangely when she became happy (without any reason involving him), he became restless. So he decided to play Bad Samaritan and he told her that he had asked the pal to call her.

So it all had this (ugly) ending. Both of them never talked about it later. You may not call it ending.

The ‘friendship’ clause was removed after some days.

The pal remained a pal.

The urge to communicate

It is perhaps the greatest dilemmas of mankind. Man is always looking for someone to talk. The reason I am writing this, is that I want to communicate. But I have hardly any idea what.

You ask me how I am, or the question patented for me these days 'How is your preparation going' I will always give the same answer. I won't ever say I am bad, nor will I say that my preparation is not OK. I do not blame the person who asks me. I know it is because of their urge to communicate.

The dilemma comes when we have this urge and we don't know what to talk. If the person you are talking to is from fairer sex, then it is a different ball game. But for our normal considerations, let's take the case of naïve, harmless, aimless communicator, the communicator of my type. I know if you are reading this, you belong to this category.

At times there is guilt. When we think about our aim in life, our worth and time being precious, this communication looks futile. But take it from me it is a noble quality, to talk, to gossip. No one gave me a penny for my 'precious' time but I have derived eternal bliss from many pointless discussions. Puritans would like to know its advantage but I say who cares. I have enough time in life to waste in useless talks.

I know this blog hardly makes a sense but I cannot resist my urge :-)

Waiting…….to Graduate

Do not confuse it with the degree. I have one. My problem is something else.

In my high school, I discovered that I had grown. I was no longer a kid. I looked back at myself and thought what a child I was. I could look at the world with a different perspective. I felt the change in my parents, in my relatives in the way they took me. Then I thought how great it would feel to graduate.

I had dreams of growing big, having an identity….. a mature identity. When I looked at others who were in their twenties, I felt that was actually the time when someone's life begins. But that was not to be.

Today I feel that my mental growth stopped somewhere in between. I think exactly like I thought in class X. The way the world looked then, it's exactly the same. It is the same obsession for girls, same complexes, same envy, and same fears. I bet had I been writing this blog then, it would have been exactly the same. It is the same way I adulated 'biggies' and always felt to be a lesser mortal.

I do not know when I will 'graduate'. If I try to feel within myself that I am in my twenties I am scared. At this stage, I dread maturing.

Happy, to be alive……

At times I have this feeling, how great it is to be alive. To feel the joy, to feel the pain, to feel……

I do not want to discover the truth of life, its aim, its purpose. I have no interest in any of the philosophical questions. Those who uncover the questions of life do not know how great it is to be a lesser mortal. I have no desire to be on top of this world. I do not want to run. I want to sit back and see this world passing by. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to talk, I want to listen, I want to be foolish, I want to be a child. I just want to live……

Stoic at will…..

I am perturbed. I know this phase will go and I will be back in chores of my daily life.

Today again I read about Jesicca case in newspaper. To add pain to my worried mind, there was the case of Priyadarshini Mattoo, raped and murdered. Her 68 year old father is still carrying on the fight in the case. The 'Judge' says that he is sure that the convict is guilty but he cannot do anything because of lack of 'evidence'. A lady is shot dead in Lucknow because she dared to protest against the lewd remarks of some goons. System turns out to be helpless because they are connected to party in power.

In Kanpur acid in thrown on a girl's face. The court finds no one guilty because her old father cannot 'pursue' the case as vigorously as the convict's family can. A person who dies lays in rest but a girl who has to see her face everyday in the mirror…..I have no words.

This is the price to be civilized. I praise the laws of Saudi Arabia where there is an eye for an eye. I am an animal. My heart will be at peace only when the person guilty goes through the same agony as the victim does. I imagine someone shooting the convict just outside the court as soon as he is declared 'innocent'.

How can anyone worship God, what will you tell the 68 year old man, the girl with a burnt face. Tell them that this was the punishment of sins of their earlier lives, or they will be repaid in their next birth.

Remain calm till you are not the victim and convince yourself by non existing logic. Lip service is all we can do.
I know I will forget everything soon till I read another case in newspaper. Then again I will get frustrated, curse the system, feel pity at my impotence and move on.

I am a stoic at will……..so you are.

Disclaimer

Disclaimer: All views expressed in this blog are personal and do not represent any organization whatsoever. The contents of the blog may or may not be true. I take care not to infringe copyrights but in case of any violation, kindly let me know. I am not responsible either for the content present on the websites to which I have linked, or for other people’s comments on my blog. If you observe anything objectionable, let me know and it shall be removed.

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Why do I like to write blogs?
Because I can put my point without listening to others :-)

Stunned, Shocked, Shaken……………and Wise

This is what I am feeling now, oh! Forgot to tell you, just finished ‘Atlas Shrugged’…..my first encounter with a philosophical novel, rather philosophy...

Could I understand it?…..cannot say, so do not ask me if I agree with the philosophy or not. But one thing is sure; it has shaken all my premises, the way to look at world.

Who is John Galt?
If I try to sum up what the novel means to me it may be following…..
1. Living for oneself i.e. a man can be in his natural self (and thus happy) only when his behavior is determined by no external influence of society.
2. Being free of guilt; of being selfish, of seeking pleasure, of being oneself. And of course, no guilt of animal desire…you got it, sex. Do not look always for moral sanction. That is the tool of world to tame men.
3. Living for sake of ‘life’ not for sake of living. It’s the zeal of your work that drives us, to be happy, to give your best.
4. It is the ‘doer’ who moves the world, not the ‘thinker’. Action and its result is the only truth which can be proved.
5. The political message; Socialism versus Capitalism…….Marx said "From everyone according to his ability, to everyone according to his need". Ayn Rand has flouted this hypothesis of Marx. According to her, it forces people to compete for incompetence as the incompetent is benefited most by this hypothesis.

I am still struggling to find out what message the novel conveys. I have a feeling that its pity and mockery of a great work that I could take out only this much from it, but these are my limitations. I cannot help mentioning two lines from the novel ……….
"Who is the most depraved type of human being?
The man without a purpose"

"There is an unspeakable evil in the world, you know it and there is no use dwelling on details of it. You must work a little harder. Just a little harder. Don’t let it win"

Ripples.......

Thodi si zameen, thoda aasman
Tinkon ka bas, ek aashiyana

Lost in this world, I want my share of ‘thodi si zameen’

Life is strange and I feel that I will never be able to understand it. What is sufficient for me, why am I here. I just want to be happy and that is my ultimate aim in life. I want to dissolve myself in the magic of life. To do what I feel like, to taste everything, to feel the colors, to live, to be happy. I am restless to be where I belong to. But I do not know the path, perhaps no one does.

When will I reach my destination?

14.02.2006 that’s VALENTINE’s DAY

I being the sole interpreter, arbiter and enforcing authority of Hinduism hereby proclaim that no one henceforth shall be allowed to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Anyone found guilty of celebrating it shall be duly punished by my law enforcers who will be assuming special responsibility on this day. My laws enforcers shall be free to vandalize shops, misbehave and punish any erring couple whom they think appropriate for punishment.

Entire year no one remembers me but I deserve my due share in national dailies.

We live in Hindustan and we have a culture. Only I can understand what our culture is and I have assumed the special responsibility of preserving it. Matters of beliefs and faith are above our constitution or any law of land. Our land prohibits the couples to meet, express love and ruin their future. When a girl ruins her future herself, it brings shame to her family. But parents follow the due customs of caste, dowry to legitimize marriage. Only parents shall have the right of ‘ruining’ her life.

All these days are from ‘fauran’ culture. My culture has taught me to preserve it by taking obscene processions, using idiot mobs for creating nonsense and giving some work to otherwise idle yet enlightened youths.

To remove any confusion, it is stated that no argument against me shall be correct, or deserved to be heard as I am the only person who knows what is right for you idiots.

(……………………Still I don’t understand why my law enforcers change party when they get a girlfriend……may be there is a fauran conspiracy)

Black- I saw it today, that’s 13th Feb. 2006.

No reviews……….. Just how I am feeling right now….


Poignancy, of being alone, in the darkness
Locked…….in mind…….in oneself
Suffocation……
Melancholy……pain……
empathy…..
for others…..for myself
Sense of being unknown……. to world…….
miseries…..feelings……..life
Desperation to communicate
Communicate………what you really want to…
…………….To be understood
Beauty of life…...
colors…... dreams…..music
Happiness……smile……..
love

Optimism……….

Feeling Heavy, Feeling Light

(How I am feeling after leaving the job....….)

I am miserable……
What have I one to myself? Placed myself entirely at the mercy of fate.

Life cannot be so difficult everywhere. I am attending coaching seven days a week. And what I will do when the coaching ends. One cannot study 24*7 that also when the result shall come after one and half years later. The routine seems eternal. Adding to my misery UPSC offers only handful of seats. A failure can lead to a ruin.

It is scary. There is no money in my pocket, no certainty in life. I am feeling terrible, all my friends are moving ahead and I feel like losing the race.

I had a good job…… at least others said so. I was having good money and the feeling of having a secure future. I have left the job, I will be spending my years here and what if…..

I am calm. I am satisfied……

This is what I wanted to do. This is where I want to take my life. I could not lead my life with guilt that I never had the courage to do what I wanted.

I love these things; I know I am interested in these. I have seen some of the most wonderful persons.......... persons whom I would like to emulate while leading my life. First time in my life I am feeling that I am gaining something.........the feeling of being a rebel, not led by hordes. Life cannot be lead according to dictums dictated by this world.

Others cannot decide what the right path is for me.

I am not a prisoner in someone else’s life.